Poetic Forms card, B15, Alliterative Verse: Hail Now the Horse-Lords

[azalaisdep.livejournal.com]

Challenge: Poetic Forms card, B15, Alliterative Verse
Author: Azalais
Title: Hail Now the Horse-Lords
Characters: Cirion, Eorl the Young, Elladan, Elrohir
Rating: PG-ish
Warning: bit of battle gore
Format: poem
Summary: "In the forefront of the charge they saw two great horsemen, clad in grey, unlike all the others, and the Orcs fled before them; but when the battle was won they could not be found, and none knew whence they came or whither they went. But in Rivendell it was recorded that these were the sons of Elrond, Elladan and Elrohir."

Hail Now The Horse-Lords

Hark now:  a tale that is ripe for the telling,
Recited in Rohan at feast and fireside.
Hail now the horse-lords, the Stoningland saved...

So: with Cirion cut off at Celebrant,
Battling Balchoth, by Orc-hordes oppressed,
Hemmed in helpless, hope fast fading,
New from the North came a legion unlooked-for;
Eorl’s Éothéod, charging in challenge.
Routed the rearguard, scattered them savagely;
Slew the slaughterers, turning the tide.

At the head of the horsemen, grey-clad and grim-faced,
Two fair and fell beyond measure of men;
Howling the hordes foundered before them,
Bright blades bled the flesh of their foes.

Victorious, they vanished;  Men knew never
Whence they came nor whither they went;
Saluted still in song and story,
Elladan and Elrohir; Elrond’s sons.

~~~

For the Battle of the Field of Celebrant, seeThe Return of the King, LoTR Appendix A, Annals of the Kings and Rulers: Gondor and the Heirs of Anárion. The possible presence of Elladan and Elrohir (the original "horse-lord", of course) at that battle quoted in the Summary comes fromThe Peoples of Middle-Earth, HoME Vol 12, Part 1, Ch 9, The Making of Appendix A: The House of Eorl.

Comments

[just-ann-now.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure what you're not loving; I think it's gorgeous. It flows with the rhythm of galloping horses!

Favorite bits? So many! How about

Hemmed in helpless, hope fast fading,

or

Two fair and fell beyond measure of men;
Howling the hordes foundered before them

I've never had particularly strong feelings about Elladan and Elrohir, but this made me go "Hmmmm".

[azalaisdep.livejournal.com]

I was happiest with the third stanza, which was the first one that I got, I must admit; I spent ages and ages trying to get the third line, which in a sense should be a summary of what the piece is going to be about. I wanted it to be something catching the idea of the "mystery warriors" or the "unknown horsemen", but could not find anything that alliterated and worked.

Nor am I entirely convinced by Battling Balchoth, by Orc-hordes oppressed,, because I think it's at risk of tipping over into unintended humour... sigh. Poetry, even more than drabbles, I find very hard to think of as "finished"; there's almost always a word here or there that could be better, and I endlessly want to tweak. But if any better ideas do come it'll be after I leave it alone for a while.

I also completely lose perspective and lose sight of the bits that do work; so thank you for the lovely feedback! I've loved that snippet about E&E at the Field of Celebrant ever since I first discovered it.

[just-ann-now.livejournal.com]

Why not just, "By orc-hordes pressed"? Or do you need a specific number of syllables there? Hmmm.

"Pressed" works for me in terms of, "pressed on all sides", where "oppressed", is more, I don't know, political statement? (Of course that's because someone linked me to the King Arthur meets the politically didactic peasants in Monty Python and the Holy Grail today.)

[azalaisdep.livejournal.com]

Why not just, "By orc-hordes pressed"

Because I wanted the second 'O', and also because, as you say, I think that line needs the extra syllable. But "oppressed" isn't quite right, really, because it should be a two-syllable word with the stress on the first syllable.

Oh well, if I leave it to mull maybe something better will bubble up...

[just-ann-now.livejournal.com]

Oh, I see now. *head desk*

It's frustrating, but a good kind of frustrating (says the woman who's not the one doing it, hee.)

[jay-of-lasgalen.livejournal.com]

I've never had particularly strong feelings about Elladan and Elrohir

I have, and I squeeed when I saw this!

[jay-of-lasgalen.livejournal.com]

This is terrific. I *love* that piece about Elladan and Elrohir; and think you've done wonderfully well in bringing it to poetic life. I can hear this being recited in Edoras - there's a wonderful rhythm to the words. And I love the line 'Victorious, they vanished', which perpetuates the mystery Tolkien created.

[azalaisdep.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm glad you think it works; as I said upthread, I'm still not entirely satisfied with it myself, but if I didn't post it and move on I was going to get even more behind with B2MEM. Expect odd tweaks in the next few days as better ideas occur...

[samtyr.livejournal.com]

This is lovely. :)

[azalaisdep.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

I really like this - it is so very Rohirric. Actually, as I am fond of both the Rohirrim and the sons of Elrond it is very much my thing!

Pity Tolkien didn't mention a guest appearance by a mysterious grey-green cloaked stranger, really...

[azalaisdep.livejournal.com]

I'm delighted you think it feels Rohirric - it was hard to think of any convincing way of writing alliterative verse in the Ardaverse that wouldn't be Rohirric, to be honest. But I wanted a slightly different subject, so I was pleased when it occurred to me to pick up this little HoME snippet, which I've always liked.

In my head-canon the mysterious grey-green-cloaked stranger might still have been an Elfling in his hobbit-sized mithril-coat, around this time. Fear not, he's nuzguled his way into my intended assault on the next B2MEM prompt but one...

[lindahoyland.livejournal.com]

This feels like a real piece of poetry from Rohan!

[azalaisdep.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much!

It's debatable, of course, how you could have this poem as it stands if it's true that the Rohirrim never knew at the time who the mysterious grey horsemen were. In my head, this is a version of the poem that dates from after the Ring War, when Elladan and Elrohir may have dropped a minor bombshell to Eomer and Eowyn: "Celebrant? Oh, yes, remember it well, that was us..." ;-)

[aliana1.livejournal.com]

This is terrific; so fierce, and manages to be both elven and Rohirric: Howling the hordes foundered before them,/ Bright blades bled the flesh of their foes. Wonderful job with this prompt.

[azalaisdep.livejournal.com]

I'm delighted it comes across as fierce; in my head the Twins thundering down on the Orcish hordes would be pretty fearsome! And the lines you quote were two of the first ones that came to me and were the ones I was happiest with, so I'm glad they stood out to you.

[blslarner.livejournal.com]

Ooh, but this is GREAT! A wonderful look at the coming of the Eotheod led by Eorl and Elrond's sons! Do keep this one!

[azalaisdep.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'm becoming reconciled to the bits I didn't like to begin with, I think.