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b2mem2012-03-05 04:24 am
grey-wonderer.livejournal.com) wrote in b2mem2012-03-05 04:24 am
O-68 Crackfic Bingo Card, Time Travel
B2MeM Challenge: O-68 Crackfic Bingo Card Time Travel
Format: Ficlet
Genre: Crackfic and a bit of a Crossover and VERY AU
Rating: G
Warnings: None
Characters: Gandalf, Frodo, Pippin, Merry, Sam, Bilbo, some visitors and an OC Elf
Pairings: None
Title: Lies Told by Elves
Summary: Bilbo, Frodo, and Gandalf are sailing to the Undying lands, or are they?
“What is it?” Sam frowned, at the large, circular, tunnel.
“That thing is huge!” Pippin marvelled, forgetting exactly why they had come. He walked closer to it and a firm hand fell on his shoulder.
“Do not go any closer, young hobbit. This is the work of the Elves and far too complex for any of your kind to glean.” Pippin scowled up at a rather pious looking, dark-haired Elf of an indeterminate age. “This is our doorway to the Undying Lands and we guard it closely. It has great power.”
“It certainly does!” Merry said. He was standing over by a large control panel in the centre of the room. “Look at all of the buttons and the flashing lights. This must have taken weeks to build. What is your source of power?”
Keeping a firm hold on Pippin and dragging him along, the dark-haired Elf hurried over to the controls and put his other hand on Merry. “Touch nothing!” he commanded. He glared fiercely at Gandalf, who was standing with Bilbo, Sam, and Frodo. “This is what happens when you bring the uneducated into our midst, Mithrandir.”
“They will not harm it and they will not speak of it outside this room,” Gandalf said, looking equally fierce. “They are here only to say goodbye and they have earned the right.”
“Yes, a troll fell on me and I nearly died,” Pippin said looking up at the dark-haired Elf.
“Too bad,” the Elf said and from his tone no one was certain if he was sorry the troll fell on the young hobbit or if he was sorry that the hobbit had not died.
“I’m a might confused,” Sam frowned. “I thought the Elves sailed to the undying lands. The boat’s outside next to the dock and yet, we’re in here with all of these oddments and that big tunnel.”
“We *want* everyone to believe that we sail into the west,” the dark-haired Elf said stiffly. “It is better that they do not know that we possess this type of knowledge.”
“So you lie?” Sam frowned disapprovingly.
“It isn’t a lie. It’s a myth,” the Elf said. “This is what we do and the story about sailing is the myth or legend, if you will.”
“So, you made it all up to cover for your secret tunnel, then?” Merry said.
“They lied,” Sam said firmly.
“It’s a myth!” The dark-haired Elf was getting more irritated by the minute.
“Well, my old Gaffer’d call it a lie and no mistake,” Sam said. “He’d say that no good comes of lying and the truth is always best. That’s what he’d say.”
“But the Gaffer doesn’t have a great big tunnel in his smial that he needs to protect,” Pippin pointed out. “Most of this stuff in here must be illegal and it’s bound to be worth sacks and sacks of gold. The Elves probably have to lie to keep folk from coming in here and taking this apart and selling it for scrap.”
“Scrap? This is a valuable tool and a pathway to the Undying lands!”
“So, we have to walk all the way?” Frodo frowned looking up at Gandalf. “I thought you said we were sailing. I don’t believe Bilbo will manage a long walk.”
“You don’t walk,” Gandalf smiled. “You only have to climb inside the tunnel and stand for a few minutes. Then is when the magic happens.”
“Magic? You expect him to believe in magic after seeing this?” Merry objected. “This isn’t magic. It’s the work of machines and sometimes machines can be very cantankerous. I say let this Elf send a box or something to the undying lands as a test before you let them send you anywhere, Frodo. This is impressive but it looks dangerous to me.”
“Mr. Merry’s right,” Sam said. “We had a machine that was supposed to grind grain once and it jammed up and the Gaffer broke two fingers in it.”
“I grow weary of hearing about this Gaffer person,” the dark-haired Elf sighed. “If you and your party are going to the Blessed Realm, then we must begin. I have no time to argue with these small, annoying beings.”
“I don’t like him, Gandalf,” Merry said glaring at the Elf. “He’s got a nasty turn to him.”
“I care not for what you might like,” the Elf said. “Now, are you ready to go or not?”
“Don’t do it,” Merry said darkly.
“This is not your concern.”
“It is too! That’s my cousin that you’re sending through the tunnel into where ever it goes!” Merry frowned.
“It goes to the home of the Valar. You do know who they are, don’t you?” the Elf asked.
“Of course I do,” Merry said, annoyed.
“Well, Merry if the Valar use this tunnel then it’s probably alright,” Pippin reasoned. “I suppose it would just be a matter of pressing the correct button on this big panel and this, what is your name?”
“Ziggy,” the Elf said.
“Ziggy?” Merry and Sam both said at once.
“No Elf is named Ziggy!” Frodo objected. “They all have names like Legolas or Elrond or Haldir. Something more Elvish.”
“My parents had a rather nasty sense of humour,” Ziggy said, embarrassed.
“He can’t help that then, Frodo,” Pippin said reasonably. “What’s this big button do, Ziggy?”
“Don’t touch anything!” Ziggy warned. “I am losing my patience, Mithrandir. Are you going to the Blessed Realm or not?”
“Very well,” Gandalf sighed. “Say good-bye to your friends, Frodo. You too, Bilbo and then we’ll be ready to go.”
All of the hobbits gathered in front of the large tunnel and began to talk at once. Merry was clearly against anyone going into the large tunnel and was saying so loudly. Pippin wanted Frodo to send him back something nice through the tunnel as a souvenir. Sam wanted to come with Frodo. Bilbo thought they were in the Green Dragon and kept trying to order ale.
“Mr. Ziggy?” Pippin called out.
“What?” Ziggy asked, annoyed.
“Why is everything in here in black and white? There aren’t any colours.”
“It is rather drab,” Gandalf said.
“It has to be like this to work,” Ziggy said.
“Why?” Pippin asked.
“I do not question the Valar,” Ziggy said. "This machine takes a great deal of energy to do its work. We do not have time to concern ourselves with colour."
“But in here, I’m all drab,” Pippin objected. “And Merry’s nice, yellow waistcoat is grey.”
Merry looked down and frowned. “It is! I paid my tailor good money for this fabric. It you and the Valar have spoiled it, someone is paying for it.”
Ziggy rolled his eyes. “Everything will go back to normal once you return to the outside. The black and white effect is confined to the tunnel area."
“What about Frodo and Bilbo?” Pippin frowned are they going to be all dull and grey from now on?”
“No,” Ziggy said seeing the horrified look on Frodo’s face.
“I have lovely eyes,” Frodo objected. “They are huge and very blue. Everyone says they are my best feature. I don’t want to be grey forever.”
"Oh, they really are," Sam agreed.
Gandalf peered at Frodo. “Your eyes are still blue. It’s quite startling but your eyes have not changed with the rest of this room. They seem to be immune to the affects of this chamber.”
"That's a relief!" Frodo sighed. "My eyes really are my best feature."
Sam looked relieved too.
“Frodo's eyes probably stay so blue because he’s an Elf friend,” Pippin suggested.
“I don’t know what elves he’s friends with, but it isn’t me,” Ziggy muttered under his breath.
“Has anyone got a mirror? I’d like to look at my eyes,” Frodo said smiling again.
Gandalf produced one from beneath his robes and handed it to the hobbit.
“Still very blue,” Sam smiled wistfully as Frodo gazed into the mirror.
“Time to go,” Ziggy said. “Get into the tunnel so we can get on with this.”
“I bet it’s grey in here so that when you get to the Undying Lands things look much more impressive,” Merry reasoned. “You’re all drab and grey and then suddenly everything is in colour again. Makes the Valar look more magical.”
Ziggy groaned. “Do not tell that! It’s a secret.”
Gandalf, Bilbo, and Frodo all stepped into the tunnel and stood there and Ziggy assumed his position at the controls.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Merry sighed giving Ziggy a warning look.
Ziggy ignored him and pushed a switch. “Now, you start running, Mithrandir.”
“Running?” Frodo sighed. “I still liked this better when we were sailing.” He took Bilbo’s arm on one side and Gandalf did the same on the other and they ran into the tunnel but only for a second. Soon, the control room and the tunnel were filled with fog and there was a flash of light and then they were gone.
“Well, that seemed to go better than I was expecting," Merry said, but just then two men ran out of the tunnel and stumbled into the room.
“Are we home?” one shouted.
The other was looking directly at Pippin and he said, “I don’t believe so, no, probably not.”
“Hello,” Pippin smiled. “You just back from the Undying Lands?”
“No, we were in Germany,” the man said.
“Is that near, Bywater?” Sam asked.
“No, we were about to try and execute Adolph Hitler but then the tunnel opened up and we had to leave,” the man sighed. “Too bad really. That guy, Hitler, he really needs killing.”
“Maybe you can go back later and finish him off,” Pippin suggested.
“No, we never go to the same place,” the man sighed. “The folks at project Tic Toc don’t have all the bugs out of this system yet.”
“Tic Toc? We have a clock in the parlour that makes that noise,” Pippin smiled.
"All clocks make that sound," Merry said with a groan.
“Looks like we are somewhere new yet again, Doug.”
“I know, Tony. It’s the same thing every week. I’m getting very tired of this,” Doug said.
“Want to come back to Hobbiton with us and have something to eat?” Pippin asked. “You can tell us all about the Elvish tunnel and how the Valar look in colour.”
“Why not?” Doug said. “We’ve nothing else to do.”
“I am a bit hungry,” Tony grinned. “Let’s go with them.”
As they walk out into the sunshine, Merry frowned at them. “We’re alright but you two are *still* in Black and white.”
“We always are,” Tony said. “In our time, everything is in black and white.”
“Then don’t touch my waist coat,” Merry said. “I like it just the way it is.”
Tony shrugged. “Whatever you say.”
“Hey, aren’t you guys hobbits?” Doug said suddenly.
“We are, yes,” Sam said.
“I read a book about you. Have you gone to destroy the Ring yet?” Doug asked.
“Oh, we did that a year or two ago,” Merry said.
“Oh, well, I guess we missed out on that then,” Tony sighed. “I wonder why we’re here?”
*****
“This doesn’t look like the Undying Lands to me, Gandalf,” Frodo frowned.
“No, I don’t believe it is,” Gandalf said as he looked about them.
“But at least we’re finally on a ship,” Frodo grinned.
“And it’s a very big one too,” Bilbo smiled.
"Well, this should get us to the Undying Lands in style," Frodo smiled. "Look, Bilbo! There's a man with a tray of drinks coming and lovely chairs all along this part of the deck. This will be splendid!"
As the gentleman in uniform with the tray of drinks neared, Bilbo reached out and took him by the arm. “Excuse me, my dear fellow," said Bilbo, helping himself to one of the drinks. "Where exactly are we?”
“Why you are on the HMS Titanic, Sir,” the man replied with a smile. “This is the finest luxury liner ever built and it’s unsinkable!”
GW
03-05-2012
***Ziggy is the name of the machine used to travel through time in "Quantum Leap". I always thought "Quantum Leap" borrowed heavily from "Time Tunnel".
Format: Ficlet
Genre: Crackfic and a bit of a Crossover and VERY AU
Rating: G
Warnings: None
Characters: Gandalf, Frodo, Pippin, Merry, Sam, Bilbo, some visitors and an OC Elf
Pairings: None
Title: Lies Told by Elves
Summary: Bilbo, Frodo, and Gandalf are sailing to the Undying lands, or are they?
“What is it?” Sam frowned, at the large, circular, tunnel.
“That thing is huge!” Pippin marvelled, forgetting exactly why they had come. He walked closer to it and a firm hand fell on his shoulder.
“Do not go any closer, young hobbit. This is the work of the Elves and far too complex for any of your kind to glean.” Pippin scowled up at a rather pious looking, dark-haired Elf of an indeterminate age. “This is our doorway to the Undying Lands and we guard it closely. It has great power.”
“It certainly does!” Merry said. He was standing over by a large control panel in the centre of the room. “Look at all of the buttons and the flashing lights. This must have taken weeks to build. What is your source of power?”
Keeping a firm hold on Pippin and dragging him along, the dark-haired Elf hurried over to the controls and put his other hand on Merry. “Touch nothing!” he commanded. He glared fiercely at Gandalf, who was standing with Bilbo, Sam, and Frodo. “This is what happens when you bring the uneducated into our midst, Mithrandir.”
“They will not harm it and they will not speak of it outside this room,” Gandalf said, looking equally fierce. “They are here only to say goodbye and they have earned the right.”
“Yes, a troll fell on me and I nearly died,” Pippin said looking up at the dark-haired Elf.
“Too bad,” the Elf said and from his tone no one was certain if he was sorry the troll fell on the young hobbit or if he was sorry that the hobbit had not died.
“I’m a might confused,” Sam frowned. “I thought the Elves sailed to the undying lands. The boat’s outside next to the dock and yet, we’re in here with all of these oddments and that big tunnel.”
“We *want* everyone to believe that we sail into the west,” the dark-haired Elf said stiffly. “It is better that they do not know that we possess this type of knowledge.”
“So you lie?” Sam frowned disapprovingly.
“It isn’t a lie. It’s a myth,” the Elf said. “This is what we do and the story about sailing is the myth or legend, if you will.”
“So, you made it all up to cover for your secret tunnel, then?” Merry said.
“They lied,” Sam said firmly.
“It’s a myth!” The dark-haired Elf was getting more irritated by the minute.
“Well, my old Gaffer’d call it a lie and no mistake,” Sam said. “He’d say that no good comes of lying and the truth is always best. That’s what he’d say.”
“But the Gaffer doesn’t have a great big tunnel in his smial that he needs to protect,” Pippin pointed out. “Most of this stuff in here must be illegal and it’s bound to be worth sacks and sacks of gold. The Elves probably have to lie to keep folk from coming in here and taking this apart and selling it for scrap.”
“Scrap? This is a valuable tool and a pathway to the Undying lands!”
“So, we have to walk all the way?” Frodo frowned looking up at Gandalf. “I thought you said we were sailing. I don’t believe Bilbo will manage a long walk.”
“You don’t walk,” Gandalf smiled. “You only have to climb inside the tunnel and stand for a few minutes. Then is when the magic happens.”
“Magic? You expect him to believe in magic after seeing this?” Merry objected. “This isn’t magic. It’s the work of machines and sometimes machines can be very cantankerous. I say let this Elf send a box or something to the undying lands as a test before you let them send you anywhere, Frodo. This is impressive but it looks dangerous to me.”
“Mr. Merry’s right,” Sam said. “We had a machine that was supposed to grind grain once and it jammed up and the Gaffer broke two fingers in it.”
“I grow weary of hearing about this Gaffer person,” the dark-haired Elf sighed. “If you and your party are going to the Blessed Realm, then we must begin. I have no time to argue with these small, annoying beings.”
“I don’t like him, Gandalf,” Merry said glaring at the Elf. “He’s got a nasty turn to him.”
“I care not for what you might like,” the Elf said. “Now, are you ready to go or not?”
“Don’t do it,” Merry said darkly.
“This is not your concern.”
“It is too! That’s my cousin that you’re sending through the tunnel into where ever it goes!” Merry frowned.
“It goes to the home of the Valar. You do know who they are, don’t you?” the Elf asked.
“Of course I do,” Merry said, annoyed.
“Well, Merry if the Valar use this tunnel then it’s probably alright,” Pippin reasoned. “I suppose it would just be a matter of pressing the correct button on this big panel and this, what is your name?”
“Ziggy,” the Elf said.
“Ziggy?” Merry and Sam both said at once.
“No Elf is named Ziggy!” Frodo objected. “They all have names like Legolas or Elrond or Haldir. Something more Elvish.”
“My parents had a rather nasty sense of humour,” Ziggy said, embarrassed.
“He can’t help that then, Frodo,” Pippin said reasonably. “What’s this big button do, Ziggy?”
“Don’t touch anything!” Ziggy warned. “I am losing my patience, Mithrandir. Are you going to the Blessed Realm or not?”
“Very well,” Gandalf sighed. “Say good-bye to your friends, Frodo. You too, Bilbo and then we’ll be ready to go.”
All of the hobbits gathered in front of the large tunnel and began to talk at once. Merry was clearly against anyone going into the large tunnel and was saying so loudly. Pippin wanted Frodo to send him back something nice through the tunnel as a souvenir. Sam wanted to come with Frodo. Bilbo thought they were in the Green Dragon and kept trying to order ale.
“Mr. Ziggy?” Pippin called out.
“What?” Ziggy asked, annoyed.
“Why is everything in here in black and white? There aren’t any colours.”
“It is rather drab,” Gandalf said.
“It has to be like this to work,” Ziggy said.
“Why?” Pippin asked.
“I do not question the Valar,” Ziggy said. "This machine takes a great deal of energy to do its work. We do not have time to concern ourselves with colour."
“But in here, I’m all drab,” Pippin objected. “And Merry’s nice, yellow waistcoat is grey.”
Merry looked down and frowned. “It is! I paid my tailor good money for this fabric. It you and the Valar have spoiled it, someone is paying for it.”
Ziggy rolled his eyes. “Everything will go back to normal once you return to the outside. The black and white effect is confined to the tunnel area."
“What about Frodo and Bilbo?” Pippin frowned are they going to be all dull and grey from now on?”
“No,” Ziggy said seeing the horrified look on Frodo’s face.
“I have lovely eyes,” Frodo objected. “They are huge and very blue. Everyone says they are my best feature. I don’t want to be grey forever.”
"Oh, they really are," Sam agreed.
Gandalf peered at Frodo. “Your eyes are still blue. It’s quite startling but your eyes have not changed with the rest of this room. They seem to be immune to the affects of this chamber.”
"That's a relief!" Frodo sighed. "My eyes really are my best feature."
Sam looked relieved too.
“Frodo's eyes probably stay so blue because he’s an Elf friend,” Pippin suggested.
“I don’t know what elves he’s friends with, but it isn’t me,” Ziggy muttered under his breath.
“Has anyone got a mirror? I’d like to look at my eyes,” Frodo said smiling again.
Gandalf produced one from beneath his robes and handed it to the hobbit.
“Still very blue,” Sam smiled wistfully as Frodo gazed into the mirror.
“Time to go,” Ziggy said. “Get into the tunnel so we can get on with this.”
“I bet it’s grey in here so that when you get to the Undying Lands things look much more impressive,” Merry reasoned. “You’re all drab and grey and then suddenly everything is in colour again. Makes the Valar look more magical.”
Ziggy groaned. “Do not tell that! It’s a secret.”
Gandalf, Bilbo, and Frodo all stepped into the tunnel and stood there and Ziggy assumed his position at the controls.
“I hope you know what you’re doing,” Merry sighed giving Ziggy a warning look.
Ziggy ignored him and pushed a switch. “Now, you start running, Mithrandir.”
“Running?” Frodo sighed. “I still liked this better when we were sailing.” He took Bilbo’s arm on one side and Gandalf did the same on the other and they ran into the tunnel but only for a second. Soon, the control room and the tunnel were filled with fog and there was a flash of light and then they were gone.
“Well, that seemed to go better than I was expecting," Merry said, but just then two men ran out of the tunnel and stumbled into the room.
“Are we home?” one shouted.
The other was looking directly at Pippin and he said, “I don’t believe so, no, probably not.”
“Hello,” Pippin smiled. “You just back from the Undying Lands?”
“No, we were in Germany,” the man said.
“Is that near, Bywater?” Sam asked.
“No, we were about to try and execute Adolph Hitler but then the tunnel opened up and we had to leave,” the man sighed. “Too bad really. That guy, Hitler, he really needs killing.”
“Maybe you can go back later and finish him off,” Pippin suggested.
“No, we never go to the same place,” the man sighed. “The folks at project Tic Toc don’t have all the bugs out of this system yet.”
“Tic Toc? We have a clock in the parlour that makes that noise,” Pippin smiled.
"All clocks make that sound," Merry said with a groan.
“Looks like we are somewhere new yet again, Doug.”
“I know, Tony. It’s the same thing every week. I’m getting very tired of this,” Doug said.
“Want to come back to Hobbiton with us and have something to eat?” Pippin asked. “You can tell us all about the Elvish tunnel and how the Valar look in colour.”
“Why not?” Doug said. “We’ve nothing else to do.”
“I am a bit hungry,” Tony grinned. “Let’s go with them.”
As they walk out into the sunshine, Merry frowned at them. “We’re alright but you two are *still* in Black and white.”
“We always are,” Tony said. “In our time, everything is in black and white.”
“Then don’t touch my waist coat,” Merry said. “I like it just the way it is.”
Tony shrugged. “Whatever you say.”
“Hey, aren’t you guys hobbits?” Doug said suddenly.
“We are, yes,” Sam said.
“I read a book about you. Have you gone to destroy the Ring yet?” Doug asked.
“Oh, we did that a year or two ago,” Merry said.
“Oh, well, I guess we missed out on that then,” Tony sighed. “I wonder why we’re here?”
*****
“This doesn’t look like the Undying Lands to me, Gandalf,” Frodo frowned.
“No, I don’t believe it is,” Gandalf said as he looked about them.
“But at least we’re finally on a ship,” Frodo grinned.
“And it’s a very big one too,” Bilbo smiled.
"Well, this should get us to the Undying Lands in style," Frodo smiled. "Look, Bilbo! There's a man with a tray of drinks coming and lovely chairs all along this part of the deck. This will be splendid!"
As the gentleman in uniform with the tray of drinks neared, Bilbo reached out and took him by the arm. “Excuse me, my dear fellow," said Bilbo, helping himself to one of the drinks. "Where exactly are we?”
“Why you are on the HMS Titanic, Sir,” the man replied with a smile. “This is the finest luxury liner ever built and it’s unsinkable!”
GW
03-05-2012
***Ziggy is the name of the machine used to travel through time in "Quantum Leap". I always thought "Quantum Leap" borrowed heavily from "Time Tunnel".