"Twenty Two Words" by Amy Fortuna

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

B2MeM Challenge: General Prompts: 22 Words You Never Thought Tolkien Would Provide, use as many as you can in a fanwork.
Also, Rivendell: create something from the Library of Rivendell.
Format: Poetry
Genre: Humour, Politics
Rating: ADULT
Warnings: Exceedingly bad language and worse grammar.
Characters: Bilbo, Elrond, Original Intersex Character
Pairings: OC/OC
Creators' Notes (optional): I'm not a Quenya expert, just someone who can't turn down a challenge to fit a bunch of words in a poem.
Summary: Bilbo struggles to understand some of the words in a poem he's found.

Bilbo Baggins, denizen of Rivendell, and mostly of its library, was flipping through the somewhat cumbersome book titled You Weren't There, Man, I Saw Things And Stuff: Memoirs of the First Age Battles (at least that's what he thought the title worked out to be), when he came across a poem that he hadn't translated from Quenya to the Common Tongue yet.

Eagerly, he set to work on it, but soon discovered that he had a small problem. There were twenty-two words that he could not for the life of him figure out. Some of them he thought he could maybe work out from context. For the rest he would have to ask Master Elrond.

He translated the poem as best he could, to start with:

Here I am in all this muk,
Lover, I am deeply stuck.
War's truly a terrible thing,
I've qama'd over everything.

I saw a gwef the other day,
Had to thas my hair away.
(Yes, my love, I sigh, I cry,
I had to thas my head or die.)

I'm balfaug nearly all the time,
Despite the foulness of the wine.
It's the only way I can survive
The current mis that is my life.

I hate the present gomaithri
They never did any good for me!
Bunch of fedhirwegs they are
Gwista suni in this war.

They think their milt is mighty hot,
They keep their kids from range of shot.
Bunch of pukta-ing huchs, all
They have us up against the wall.

My hakka now are always sore
But my tyetse hurt even more!
I haven't had a gwib in weeks,
Definitely missing certain needs.

Hauthwaid, I'm about to cry.
I miss you so that I could die.
I'd amapta you until the dawn
(Or as long as you'd let me go on).

I'd build an alkar to your name
And worship you until you came
Your gwegwin varyto is all thine
Best of both bodies, mixed in mine.

Please remember your oiste one
And pukta me when war is done.

Bilbo took the poem to Master Elrond, who turned several alarming shades of purple when he read it.

"If it's not any trouble," Bilbo said politely. "I could always ask Elladan or Elrohir. Maybe Arwen could help, she's good with languages."

Comments

[ysilme]

Hahaha, this awesome! I would DIE to observe Elrond explaining the terms in question to Bilbo! :oD

My hakka now are always sore Best line evah! *ggg*

[dreamflower]

*howls*LOLOLOL!,11!,!!!

I don't know any of those words, thoughI can guess most from the context, but oh dear, poor Bilbo! What a perfect last paragraph.

(So, was Elrond purple from embarrassment or from trying not to laugh?) *snerk*

[zopyrus.livejournal.com]

OMG, this is fantastic!

Maybe Arwen could help, she's good with languages."

I hope this is the start of a beautiful literary collaboration.

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

I can only picture Elrond struggling horribly to explain these terms. The obscene ones don't bother him half as much as the ones about politics, I mean, those are his ancestors the poet is calling 'a bunch of fucking cunts.'

[I'm pretty sure the line about 'keep their kids from range of shot' was a slap directly intended for our darling Fingon with regard to Gil-galad being sent to the Havens. Vastly unfair, of course, but our poet is very angry at the situation (and probably drunk off their face whilst writing this).]

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

Yay, laughter achieved! Thank you!

The poem is by turns disgusting, seditious, obscene, and bordering on blasphemous, so Elrond probably feels a range of emotion, shall we say.

The words mean:

muk = shit
qama = vomit
gwef = louse
thas = shave
balfaug = drunken
mis = piss
gomaithri = government
fedhirwegs = lawyers
Gwista suni = Ignorant bitches
milt = seed, sperm
pukta-ing huchs = fucking cunts
hakka = buttocks
tyetse = tits
gwib = cock
Hauthwaid = Fuckbuddy, consort
amapta = ravish
alkar = altar, temple
gwegwin = intersex (literally man-woman)
varyto = servant, slave
oiste = poor

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

The idea of Bilbo and Arwen conspiring together to a) read all the dirtiest works in the Library and b) write obscene poems of their own in collaboration is truly terrifying. Especially knowing that Bilbo and Aragorn also write poems together from time to time.

*wanders off to create a prompt*

[kayleelupin.livejournal.com]

Um...

Is it a good or bad thing that I'm feeling so dizzy that I thought I was having an aura at first? (I have seizures). This fic just twisted my brain into that many contortions...O_O

I was trying to figure out the words without clicking on the link...@_@

ow *rubs head* But the image of Elrond...*snickers*

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

It is a bit of a brain-breaker, yeah! I have a feeling I'll be swearing in Quenya for quite some time, now.

There's 100% no shame in having to look at the meanings of the words! Some of them are pretty easy to get from context, but the ones about politics, particularly, are a bit difficult to understand. (Still can't believe my OC referred to our beloved heroes as 'ignorant bitches', 'fucking cunts' and worst of all, 'lawyers'.)

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Oh me too!

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

I love it!

what does it say of me, I wonder, that I already knew a few of these words?

[rakshathedemon.livejournal.com]

Well, that's different, heh. Poor Elrond. That poet was obviously having a bad day. Wonder if Elrond will turn an even deeper purple at the thought of his daughter reading the poem.

[dawn_felagund]

This was great! A very ingenious use of a rather ... erm, disparate collection of words.

This could be a prompt in itself! Like this. There must be a story behind this:

My hakka now are always sore
But my tyetse hurt even more!

I'd also love to see Arwen's reaction. I think she'd be cooler about it than Elrond is! :D

[hhimring]

You got them all in!
Even the gwegwin and the lawyers!
You don't do things by halves, do you?
And Elrond actually knows all these obscure words, apparently...
Is that his Feanorian education?

[ladyelleth.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD, YOU DID IT, OH MY GOD.

I'm sorry, I'll be available for comment when I've stopped giggling like a loon. :D

[paranoidangel]

That is hilarious. It's a very different poem with the words translated. I am in awe of how you got it all to rhyme, no matter whether the words were English or Quenya. I can just imagine Elrond's embarrassment at being asked about those words!

[elfscribe5.livejournal.com]

Sheer genius! You got them all. You had me from the first book title: You Weren't There, Man, I Saw Things And Stuff: Memoirs of the First Age Battles. Lol And that poem was so funny. It's author is so convincingly pissed off. Wish Darth was still around to see this.