"See It Through" by starbrow (Amy Fortuna)

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

B2MeM Challenge: Wildcard (Athelas)
Format: Non-Fiction
Genre: meta, autobiographical
Word Count: 725
Rating: General
Warnings: Discussion of depression, suicidal thoughts
Characters: Samwise Gamgee
Pairings: None
Summary: A passage in The Lord of the Rings that didn't just grab my heart - it saved my life.



He looked on the bright point of the sword. He thought of the places behind where there was a black brink and an empty fall into nothingness. There was no escape that way. That was to do nothing, not even to grieve. "What I am to do then?" he cried again, and now he seemed plainly to know the hard answer: see it through. Another lonely journey, and the worst.
-- The Choices of Master Samwise, The Two Towers by JRR Tolkien

I had a rough few years when I was a teenager, now over half my life ago. A lot of people do, of course.

I was very shy and sheltered as a child, and my father was consistently emotionally, verbally, and sometimes physically abusive as I grew up. I had been homeschooled up to the fourth grade (about age 10) and my family, being very conservative fundamentalist Christians, didn't own a television, so I was hopelessly out of step with popular culture in every way. I was and am queer in every sense of the word (but now I embrace it gladly!).

I first read The Lord of the Rings when I was 14, and for some years to come it would be my lifeline, until I could escape from my parents. So many of the characters became emotional touchstones for me: Eowyn said much of what I felt about cages and bars; Aragorn represented what I wanted to become, free and strong and independent - I identified with him so much that I had a crush on Arwen myself - but Sam was the character who felt like he was doing what I was doing, carrying on, being as strong as possible, giving everything for love and duty. I had younger brothers to protect, where I could.

Everyone has a breaking point, and mine was a medical diagnosis when I was 16, when it was confirmed that I would never be able to have children. I hadn't even really thought about having children in the future, but it was devastating to have that possibility taken away. More than a little bit of me wanted a 'normal' life, wanted things to be easy, wanted to have choices that I would now never have. I had no one to talk to - my mother felt guilty, and my father was clearly deeply uncomfortable with 'girl stuff'.

It was like something had flipped the depression switch on in me and I went from being able to cope to actively suicidal within the space of a month. I was forgetting things, my grades slipped (a bit, because I was pretty much just coasting already), I began shoplifting sweets and eating them, gaining weight rapidly.

And no one noticed. No one noticed the next month, or the month after. I told my best friend about my infertility and she broke off our friendship within the next month (on another pretext but she was clearly really uncomfortable with me).

I made tentative plans for suicide and changed them and worked around them. I actively tried to put myself into dangerous situations (which in hindsight was completely laughable - I had no concept of what would actually be a dangerous situation and had figured if I wandered to the south side of the city I would be murdered instantly, but that was clearly not the case!) I held knives to my wrist but couldn't bring myself to actually cut myself - I was suicidal not masochistic!

Through all this I was rereading The Lord of the Rings almost as one might search for a Bible verse that seems applicable. And when I discovered the passage above, it struck me to the heart. That was to do nothing, not even to grieve. And I realised that suicide would mean that I felt no hope for the future.

But I did find hope, and Sam was the one who brought it to me, once again. For in the end the Shadow is but a small and passing thing, and there is light and high beauty forever beyond its reach. To kill myself would be to destroy all hope that things would ever get better.

Things did get better. There was no blazing miracle, there was no sudden cure. I have worked very hard to make things better in my life, and I'm still doing it now. To this day I struggle off and on with depression, but I have also had a fair measure of happiness, joy, peace and comfort in my life, and what's better, I have been there for others and helped them make their lives better too.

And when things get dark, as they sometimes do, or seem impossible, then it helps, even just a little, for me to grit my teeth and say along with Sam: See it through. The errand must not fail.

Comments

[kayleelupin.livejournal.com]

wow, starbrow - that's powerful. thank you for sharing - I wish I could give you a giant HUG but for now this will suffice hopefully ((((starbrow)))) *is very glad starbrow is still with us* :)

Kaylee Arafinwiel

[shirebound]

Thank you for sharing this with us. How intensely the inspiration of these beloved books and characters are woven into our hearts.

[dreamflower]

What a powerful testimony to the power of Tolkien's world. I am always amazed and yet not surprised at finding out how deeply his work has affected people, time after time.

[baranduin.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing your story with us, Amy.

[mews1945.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing a part of your story.

[rlaadmin.livejournal.com]

I don't think there can be any better tribute to the power, meaning and wisdom of Tolkien's writing than this. Thank you for sharing your story.

[zdenka]

That is deeply moving, and I'm honored that you shared it with us. I'm glad that Sam was able to help you get through. He has a different but very real sort of heroism -- making the choice to endure and go on, alone in the dark, when no one may ever know. Reciting Sam's verses from the tower of Cirith Ungol has helped me get through some dark places as well.

[periantari.livejournal.com]

That was such a beautifully written essay about yourself and how LotR helped you through tough times. I myself also feels that the universal truths found in LoTR is what makes it relevant to so many people.Sorry to hear about your tough childhood and so glad that you "saw it through" and that there is light and high beauty forever beyond its reach. This was a beautiful story-- thank you for sharing and thank you for writing this!!!

Volume 103 / Issue 5

[livejournal.livejournal.com]

User estelanui referenced to your post from Volume 103 / Issue 5 (http://middleearthnews.livejournal.com/381631.html) saying: [...] , Rating: G, Aragorn & me, My first encounter with The Lord of the Rings) by -- See It Through [...]