The Lay of Leithian according to the Fëanorians, by Robinka

[binkaslibrary.livejournal.com]

B2MeM Challenge: zhie’s prompt: PWP with glitter somewhere in it.
Format: poetry/song.
Genre: parody.
Rating: adult.
Warnings: cursing; bawdy humor; implied sex and masturbation.
Characters: Celegorm and the choir of the Fëanorian brothers.
Pairings: implied Beren/Lúthien (ideally Celegorm/Lúthien ;) but nobody’s perfect).
Creator's Notes: this is probably the silliest thing I’ve ever written, so beware.

Apologies go to Professor Tolkien for profaning “The Lay of Leithian” and to Robert Plant and Jimmy Page for butchering their “Stairway to Heaven”. Those original lines with * to them weren’t changed at all because they fit (pun intended).

Thank yous go to dawn_felagund for the extra speedy beta and her great suggestions. Thank you! :)

This is dedicated to all the Silmarillion heretics in the world :)

Summary: Imagine, the Fëanorian gang sitting around a campfire, eating, drinking, and when mead goes to the head, Maglor thrums on a harp, and Celegorm, still pining for Lúthien in his own fashion, begins...

For a better effect, listen to the song and follow along with my version :)


There’s this elf-wench who stole our gemstone of old
And she did it with that mortal Beren.
If she got here, she’d know I could use a good blow.
[Chorus:] Job!
With a word, she would get what she came for.

Ooh, ooh, she’s decided she likes fucking Beren.

All the gals in the world, I do want her I'm sure,
'Cause none but her makes me think of reaming.
By the brook, in a glade, I did want to get laid,
[Chorus:] Sometimes all of his thoughts are misguided.

Ooh, she makes me fondle
Myself, she makes me fondle.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,*
And my spirit is crying:

[Chorus:] “Leithian!”

In my thoughts, if you ask, it’s my dick in her grasp,
[Chorus:] And the voices of those who stand looking.*

Ooh, she makes him fondle
Himself, she makes him fondle.

She would whisper that soon, soon we could fuck in tune,
Bloody hell! I could see no reason
To deny her a romp. She wouldn’t wait too long
And the forests would echo with:

[Chorus:] Aah...

Eeh...

Ooh...

So unfasten your gown, don't be alarmed now,
This is spring which blooms for my queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run*
There's still time to change the road you're on.*

[Chorus:] And she makes him fondle...
Ooh...

My dick is throbbing, and it won’t go, in case you don't know,
It’s calling for my hand to join him.
Dear lady, I’d have you boned until your eyes shone,
Your moaning echoed in the whispering wind.

[Chorus:] And as we wind on down the road*
Our cravings bigger than our goals.
There walks this vixen we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show*
How everything still turns to stone.
And when she sees you’re very hard
The girl will come to you at last.
And all are one and one is all*
To be rock hard and give it a go.

Yet, she’s finding she likes fucking Beren…

----------
A/N: What’s with me and drunk Finwëans? First Celebrimbor, now the Magnificent Seven...

Comments

funny

[yutingdeming.livejournal.com]

http://www.hollisterpraha.com (http://www.hollisterpraha.com)

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

Awww! That is really sweet! I am laughing. Alone. In the middle of the night. I consider that good poetry.

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Hee! Brilliant!

[openidwouldwork.livejournal.com]

Hehehe! That's exactly what those drunk Finwëans would get up to! *keeps LOLing* it's funny, by sheer coincidence I have just re-read 'of Beren and Lúthien'... with much eye-rolling... and this little song is just what I needed!

[angelica-ramses.livejournal.com]

* wiping tears*
Led Feanorians indeed! The music starts like something Maglor could have composed but things go downhill very quickly!

[pandemonium-213.livejournal.com]

Having listened to the iconic Stairway to Heaven a gazillion times, I could totally hear this, and, well...see my icon. :^D Hilarious and bawdy parody, Binka! (Although I think that Maglor would pick up a Stratocaster at some point during the ditty. ;^))

hat’s with me and drunk Finwëans?

Because drunk Finwëans are the BEST Finwëans!

[dawn_felagund]

I'm sooo glad you decided to post this! :D I was laughing out loud while reading it along with the music last night. As I noted in my comments, I liked it when reading it without the music; I loved it when I read it with the music in the background because so many of your lines use (twist? ;) just enough of the original lyrics to be absolutely hilarious!

The best betas ever: those that make you crack up! :D

[rhapsody11.livejournal.com]

He is such a wuss hahahaha.

[hhimring]

Oh, what a band!
It gives a whole new meaning to "hard" rock!

(Very clever use of the original lyrics!)

[ladyelleth.livejournal.com]

Bahahaha, poor Celegorm and his ego! Clearly the only good answer is a threesome!

[samtyr.livejournal.com]

Oh this is just great! I really love how you make it all work. :)

[ignoblebard.livejournal.com]

Finally a song about Beren and Luthien that tells it like it is! This had me laughing throughout. *applause*

[talullahred.livejournal.com]

OMG! Since my comment in your other fic Himring linked me here. This is so much fun and spot on!!! Those drunk Finwëans, ehehe, and you know, Led Zep being the forefathers not only of hard rock but also of the debauched lifestyle so in a way it also fits them so very well. I was laughing out loud all the way through.