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b2memB2MeM Challenge: A response to this prompt: Any female character in Aman at the time of the Darkening. Build a fanwork around the Emily Dickinson quote [A]nd I am out with lanterns, looking for myself.
Format: Short story
Genre: Some femslash, mainly family/general
Rating: Teens
Warnings: None
Characters: Findis, Lalwen, Finarfin, Indis and an OFC, with a minor appearance by Fëanor
Pairings: Findis/OFC
Summary: Findis, who works as a travelling teacher in distant corners of Valinor, has not seen her family in years. Even news of the events surrounding her brother and half-brother did not bring her back to Tirion. When she goes to the great festival on Taniquetil, not all of her relatives are happy about her long absence. During the festival, the Darkening that brings it to an abrupt end and everything that follows, Findis must come to terms with her actions and decide where she belongs.
*****
"Ha! Beat you!" Hwiondi's cry echoed from ahead. Findis could see her figure on the crest of the last hill, arms thrown high in a victory pose.
Findis heaved a sigh as she followed. It was hardly a surprise she'd lost their impromptu race, considering she'd spent the last few decades with the tribes in the great forest that covered the foothills of the southern Pelóri. With the thick undergrowth and dense trees it was no place for horses - small wonder if she was out of practice. All the same...
"We'll have to have a rematch," she said when she drew her mount up along Hwiondi's. "Once I've had time to get used to the saddle again."
The other woman threw her an impish look. "If by that you mean once you can win against me, well... that's going to be a long wait!"
Findis stuck out her tongue. Hwiondi laughed.
"So, are you joining us for the festival?" Hwiondi asked as they dismounted. "I know Amarië would be delighted to see you - well, once I manage to drag her away from that Ñoldorin prince of hers." Hwiondi rolled her eyes. "And Mother's here as well, and so is Aunt Wailanyel - it would be a proper reunion."
For a moment, Findis let herself imagine agreeing. She'd spent years with Hwiondi's people once, still had so many friends among them. It would make for a magnificent festival, teasing Amarië about her relationship with Findis' nephew Findaráto, catching up with Wailanyel who she'd not seen in over a yén, winning a race against Hwiondi - or perhaps sneaking off into the bushes with her? So many possibilities...
Then she sighed, banishing the fantasy from her thoughts.
"Not this year, I'm afraid. My family will be coming. I should really spend time with them."
Hwiondi nodded, her face somber. They'd spoken about Findis' family before... and, of course, she'd have heard the rumours. Findis would be surprised if there was a single person in Valinor, no matter how remote and isolated, who hadn't.
Certainly the news of the tumult surrounding her brother and half-brother had reached Findis herself in a distant corner of Valinor, even if only long after the fact. So long after the fact that there hadn't seemed to be any point in returning, everything over and done with without Findis' presence or involvement; no good she could do by storming back and tearing open wounds that had only just begun to heal.
At least - Findis thought guiltily - so she'd justified it to herself.
"I'm sorry," she told Hwiondi. "Maybe I can go with you and Amarië afterwards. I need to travel again anyway - I'd just about finished with Laicanis' people anyway. All of the children along with a good number of the adults have reached the first standard in not only literacy but also geography, history and music, and I managed to train one of the more interested men as an apprentice teacher. They should do all right by themselves for a while."
"Well," Hwiondi said solemnly, "in that case, it just so happens I've been stricken by a terrible bout of amnesia concerning my letters and education. I'm certain sessions of... intense... one-on-one tutoring are my only hope. Surely your professional educator's instincts agree?"
Findis had to laugh. "You reprobate. Here, have your winnings from our race instead." She leaned over and gave Hwiondi a peck on the cheek.
"No, no, no - you call that a kiss? I refuse to be cheated out of my just reward, you realise. If you withhold it from me, I'll have to go get it myself." Hwiondi pulled Findis in close and then suited her actions to her words.
It was only quite a long time later that Findis arrived at the Noldorin camp at the base of Taniquetil.
As chance would have it, she ran into someone she knew in the outskirts.
*****
"Findis." Findis shrank under her half-brother's disapproving gaze. "You have twigs in your hair."
"I- it was a long journey," Findis forced out, feeling tongue-tied and self-conscious.
Come on, she raged at herself. You're an adult woman, you have your own life and duties - you're head and founder of the travelling teachers, by the Trees. Tell him off for criticising you without even a hello, ask him what he's doing outside Formenos if rumours are true, stop letting him intimidate you so-
But Fëanáro always had that effect on her, transporting her back in time to when she'd been a gawky girl in Tirion, stifled by her surroundings and by the silent dislike radiating off her half-brother.
(Back then he'd tried to hide it, had done so well enough that neither of her parents had picked up on it. But to Findis - always sensitive to the nuances of people's emotions - it had been impossible to ignore.)
"Ah-" Findis hunted for something to say. "Did you bring the Silmarils?"
She'd never seen the famed jewels and, in truth, wasn't particularly interested in them. It seemed as though her whole life people had been talking about what beautiful thing Fëanáro had created now, and Findis had become heartily sick of it long ago. Still, her half-brother loved talking about his work and showing it off, surely this was a safe way to open the conversation-
"You want to see the Silmarils?" Fëanáro's voice was soft and deadly, precursor of an eruption.
Findis gulped. Apparently she'd misjudged.
"I only meant-"
"Of course you want to see them! The Silmarils, the Silmarils, that's all anyone wants. I should've known you'd just be a greedy vulture like the rest of them!"
Findis found herself backing away slowly, eyes wide. She'd never seen Fëanáro like this before, ever, eyes glittering with a dangerous light, teeth bared like an animal's.
"Fëanáro, I didn't-"
"Findis! There you are!"
Findis silently thanked the Valar when she heard her sister's voice.
And then Lalwen was there, breath coming fast - had she been running? - as she put herself bodily in front of Findis, as though thinking to shield her from Fëanáro.
"We've been waiting for you to arrive," she said, back to Findis. "We've missed you so, you should come to our camp as soon as possible. Right now would be good, in fact." Her voice shifted. "Fëanáro."
"Lalwen."
Findis flinched. She could hear razor-sharp edges in both their voices, and the air between them reminded her of winter in the upper Pelóri, with its winds of killing cold that sliced through flesh as though it wasn't even there.
"Thank you for welcoming my sister," Lalwen continued, each word like a door slamming shut. "However, I am here now. Your presence is no longer required."
Fëanáro paused. Over Lalwen's shoulder, his eyes met Findis'. The fury had gone from his face, one eyebrow cocked in silent question, but his eyes were still hard and bright.
"That means go away," Lalwen snapped.
Findis looked down.
Wordlessly, Fëanáro turned and went.
"Right," Lalwen said after a moment. "Now let's go before he gets it into his head to come back."
*****
"What on earth did you say to him?" Lalwen demanded once they were a fair distance away.
"Asked to see the Silmarils."
Lalwen's wince made it clear that Findis had gravely misstepped. "Not a good idea."
"I gathered," Findis said drily. "I thought it would be a good way to open the conversation, he's always loved talking about his work-"
"Loved showing off, you mean," Lalwen interrupted. "Well. Things have changed."
Findis had always been sensitive to nuance, to the things said in the silence between words. To her, the accusation in Lalwen's voice was impossible to miss, the unspoken words clear: things have changed - without you.
"Lalwen, I'm sorry I wasn't there."
Lalwen spun to face her. "Are you? Are you really?" Her eyes glittered in almost the same way Fëanáro's had (not a comparison safe to make to either). "When it feels like I've barely seen you in yéni? When you spend almost all your time in some- some remote cave in the Pelóri or tiny village on the shore of the Ekkaia or, or barbarian tribe on the plains - at least Arafinwë tries to stop by Tirion every now and then!"
Barbarian tribes on the- Findis wanted to protested on behalf of Hwiondi and her people, but could not gather the words.
"Findis, when push came to shove, when Fëanáro finally lost it like we all knew he was going to eventually, when Father decided to side with him, when Nolvo needed all our help, yes! You weren't there. But you know what? None of us were surprised. Because you're never there."
Silence. Lalwen's breath was coming quickly again. Findis did not think it was from her earlier exertion.
You've been wanting to say that for a while, haven't you.
"Lalwen," Findis said quietly.
"And now you're going to talk about- about what you're doing. About- about literacy rates and education among the Vanyar and the importance of keeping in touch with the more isolated communities." Lalwen's voice had taken on a sing-song tone. "About how it's so important and necessary. As if your family isn't important. As if Uncle Ingwë wasn't getting on perfectly well without you before you left us. As if-"
"Lalwen."
The word cracked like a whip, startling Lalwen into silence. Findis had put all her experience dealing with unruly students into her voice.
"If you want to argue with me, go ahead. But I'd rather appreciate being allowed to say my own part instead of having you put words in my mouth. And," Findis gathered the last dregs of the strength that had fled her when she'd faced Fëanáro, "if you're just going to treat me as a verbal punching bag, I am going to leave. Do you understand?"
For a moment, Findis thought Lalwen was going to apologise. She was expecting it - Findis knew Lalwen's tongue had a tendency to run away with her, leaving her regretting her words not long after they left her mouth.
But then Lalwen's eyes hardened, her expression growing closed and shuttered.
"I need to go," she said, voice abrupt. "I have things to do and I've already tarried here too long. Our camp is just over this ridge, you can't miss it. You should say hello to Nolvo when you get there, he needs all the support he can get right now."
For a moment she simply stood, staring at Findis, then she sucked in a deep breath.
"Findis. One last thing. Please - don't talk to Fëanáro again. Especially not alone. It's not safe."
He's family, Findis wanted to object. He may never have liked any of us, may never have let us forget the half in "half-brother", but he's still family. Are you seriously saying he might hurt me?
She remembered the garbled stories that had come to her of Fëanáro threatening Nolofinwë at swordpoint, the strange fey light in her half-brother's eyes as he snarled at her, and simply nodded her agreement.
*****
Findis did not find herself feeling any less out of place in the following days.
Nolofinwë's greeting to her was brief and distracted, her brother clearly overwhelmed with the duties facing him. The welcome from the rest of his family was no warmer - some clearly just as busy as Nolofinwë, some resenting her as Lalwen had.
To others, Findis realised slowly, she was a near-stranger, one more aunt in an already large family - and one they met so rarely.
She was amazed to realise the toddling little girl with golden hair was not her youngest niece Artanis but instead Turucáno and Elenwë's daughter - Turucáno's daughter, when it seemed like only a few years ago that Turucáno himself had been that age! Even more amazed to see Artanis herself, later, now a tall young woman who had suitors trailing her near every waking moment and remembered Findis not at all.
The welcome from her own mother was far warmer, and Indis was the only person who seemed curious about Findis' recent travels, her time in the great forests far to the south and how she had taught - and learned - among the people there. Yet it proved impossible to find the time for those tales, as it quickly became clear that Findis' was mother nearly as busy as Nolofinwë; Findis excused herself to leave Indis to her work after only a short time.
By the time the festival began, Findis felt like a gawky adolescent again, out of step with her own family and somehow incapable of ever saying the right thing. For an adult woman who had been independent for yéni it was a remarkably galling feeling. As she trailed her family to Ilmarin, she day-dreamed of escaping back to the world she knew - climbing a pass in the Pelóri, tracking her dinner in the Forests of Oromë, galloping with Hwiondi on the wide plains...
At the doorway to Manwë's audience chamber, they found themselves walking beside the royal family of the Minyar. For this festival, Uncle Ingwë was adorned in finery appropriate to his station, including jewelled shoes. Knowing her uncle, Findis suspected Indis and Ingwion had been responsible for his dress - he certainly looked at least as uncomfortable as Findis herself. She shot him a sympathetic smile when he looked in her direction.
Perhaps she might be able to escape to visit her uncle and cousin, later? Ingwë and Ingwion were certain to be interested in her travels, and they'd understand the importance of what she did - a welcome change from Lalwen.
Then they were before Manwë and Varda on their thrones, further distraction impossible when faced with two Valar in all their glory.
"My friends." Manwë's voice was like autumn breezes through the trees and the constant sighing wind on the grasslands and a howling storm all at once. "I welcome you to Ilmarin, to this celebration of the everlasting friendship between Ainur and Eldar, of peace and reconcilation and the healing of grievances."
Healing of grievances? You are great, my lord, but if you truly wish for all the breaches in my family to be mended you may find that a task beyond even you.
Right on the heels of that thought, Manwë's eyes glid over the crowd and found Findis. His gaze rested on her only a heartbeat before moving on, a brief moment that could have been coincidence, but Findis still found herself bowing her head in combined awe and shame.
And - indeed - Manwë turned to her family. Findis watched, amazed, as before his throne Nolofinwë spoke of forgiving Fëanáro, as her half-brother accepted it. Only a few hours ago she would have sworn such a thing impossible. Perhaps the breaches in her family were not beyond hope after all-
Well, some of them, Findis thought ruefully. Beside her, Lalwen radiated silent fury at the sight of Nolofinwë extending his hand to Fëanáro. If it had been her, Findis knew, no power on Arda could have moved her to forgive their half-brother. Half-brother in blood, full brother in heart - no brother in heart is what Lalwen would have you be. Watch yourself, Fëanáro.
Still. Nolofinwë and Fëanáro reconciled was far more than Findis had ever thought could happen. If it lasted, perhaps this festival truly might heal her family after all.
For a moment, Findis simply hoped-
Then, suddenly, Manwë shot to his feet, eyes wide and blazing. The power that blasted out from him almost brought Findis to her knees.
Something is wrong!
Darkness fell.
*****
"Come with you," Findis repeated, voice flat.
Arafinwë nodded. Findis wasn't sure whether the deep shadows under his eyes were real or artifacts of the feeble, flickering candlelight.
"I want you to come. I know Nolofinwë and Lalwen do, as well," he said, voice quiet.
Findis arched an eyebrow. "Lalwen does?"
That first day she'd rejoined her family beneath Taniquetil seemed like eternally long ago, and yet she still hadn't managed to have anything resembling a civil conversation with her sister.
"She's not going to admit it, but she does. You know Lalwen - she holds grudges long past the point she truly wants to, and her tongue has always been sharper than her sense." Arafinwë rolled his eyes, a gesture of brotherly long-suffering.
Findis knew what he meant but still suspected he was wrong this time. There was something different about Lalwen, now, some discontent seething in her soul that added a vicious bite to her words.
Besides, it was true that Findis had found herself on the wrong end of Lalwen's tongue and Lalwen's temper numerous times during their childhood. However... every time before, Lalwen had eventually apologised. This time, Findis privately doubted such would be forthcoming.
"Please," Arafinwë said into the silence, clearly reading Findis' skepticism from her face. "I know she's been... unkind... but she would do so much better if you came. We all would."
Findis leaned back and gazed at her brother.
Once upon a time, she and Arafinwë had been close, a united front against the world. They'd both been unhappy in Tirion, had felt stifled among the Noldorin nobility and yearned for something beyond that - something none of their other siblings had ever been able to understand.
Ironic, truly, that as adults they had ended up so distant: Findis travelling among the Minyar in Valinor, Arafinwë spending most of his time in Eldamar, among the Teleri in Alqualondë. Now, when they spoke Findis could feel her brother consciously stopping himself from slipping into Telerin - a language Findis, who spent so much time absorbing the dialects and linguistic offshoots of the scattered groups of Minyar, had never learned.
Still, there was that old bond there, still remaining from their childhood.
It was that bond Findis drew on when she asked, "Arafinwë. Why are you doing this?"
Arafinwë looked at her, a spark of comprehension in his gaze. Still, his answer made clear he'd rather feign ignorance. "What do you mean? I've told you, the wide lands of Middle-earth-"
Findis shook her head, sending her braid flying. "Don't give me that nonsense, Ingoldo. I know you, remember? You've never dreamed about ruling new empires, never resented the Valar. You're happy in Alqualondë, it's all you ever wanted. So. Why?"
Arafinwë looked away from her, his gaze fixing on the candle. He was silent for so long Findis started to doubt he was planning to answer her at all.
Finally, he said, "Because my family is going."
"Your children," Findis said, suddenly understanding.
Arafinwë nodded, the movement slow, almost dreamlike, still staring at the candle. "Yes. My children. But also Fëanáro, Nolofinwë and Lalwen, my niece and all my nephews- I can't let them run off into disaster without me."
So you think it's going to be disaster, Findis thought, her heart sinking. Alone of their family, Arafinwë had shown signs of being gifted with foresight. If he thought this venture was doomed-
Well, no purpose in trying to get more out of him. When it came to his more unusual abilities, kind, accommodating Arafinwë could clam up in an instant..
Instead, Findis said, "I really don't understand it. I arrive to find the tension between Fëanáro and the rest of us has grown so bad that I almost expect lightning to strike whenever we end up in the same room... and now he has his heart set on this fool venture and you're following him?"
"But that's another reason I'm going, you see," Arafinwë said, suddenly sitting straight upright, his voice fiercely determined. "Fëanáro is in such a state right now, there's absolutely no saying what he might do. That oath alone-"
Arafinwë shuddered. Findis, remembering her horror at Fëanáro's words - so hastily spoken and yet so eternally binding - well understood his reaction.
"Anyway," Arafinwë continued, "if he goes alone, I think he may do something- far worse. Something terrible. Something that will doom him irrevocably. And yes, sister, that is foresight."
Findis swallowed. "So you're hoping to prevent him from making a grave mistake?"
Arafinwë nodded. "Exactly. Findis - I'm going because of my family. Because my children need me, even if they may not think they do. Because the same is true for my brother."
It took Findis a moment to realise he meant Fëanáro and not Nolofinwë.
"It won't be easy," she said, quietly, "trying to be the lone voice of reason in this madness."
"Which is why I wish you'd come," Arafinwë repeated. "Far easier if there are two of us. Especially when it comes to Fëanáro - he's always liked you best. If any of us can restrain him, it's you."
A laugh escaped Findis, sharp and disbelieving. "Fëanáro? Like me? Listen to me?" She thought of the man who'd met her outside the encampment, remembered a childhood spent enduring his silent contempt and resentment. "Arafinwë, are you sure you're feeling quite all right?"
"You've never quite seen it, I know," Arafinwë said, his voice even and patient. "But - yes, Findis. He's always had more respect for you than for any of the rest of us. I think he admires the way you left Tirion behind to create the life you wanted. And... you weren't there, ten years ago. In his eyes, you're the only one who didn't side with Nolofinwë then. Who isn't tainted by that."
Findis raised an eyebrow. "I do believe that's the first time anyone has suggested my absence was a good thing. Lalwen certainly seems to think it's unforgivable that I didn't drop everything and rush to be by Nolofinwë's side back then."
Arafinwë waved her words away. "From my understanding of that area of Valinor, it must have taken at least six months for the news to reach you-"
"A year," Findis corrected.
"-I won't deny that everyone would have appreciated your presence at the time, but as far as I can see the only way we'd have had it is if you'd given up on all your ambitions and goals in favour of sitting around in case your family should happen to need you. Entirely unfair, expecting that of you - I am sure Lalwen will understand that once her temper has cooled. And," Arafinwë continued before Findis could interrupt, "good has come out of it, as now you are possibly the only person in this family Fëanáro will listen to... considering Father is no longer around to voice his opinion."
The silence that followed that statement was heavy with shared grief. Findis felt tears building behind her eyes, angrily fought them down. There would be time to weep for her father once the world wasn't coming apart around her.
After a moment Arafinwë shook his head, blinking repeatedly. His eyes were suspiciously bright when he looked up. "So, will you come?"
Findis' eyes sought out the candle that sat between them. Such a feeble thing, carving out a circle barely wide enough for her and Arafinwë from the great darkness surrounding... and yet in its light, some things were far clearer than they'd been in her family's camp below Taniquetil with the whole world awash in the light of the Trees.
"Arafinwë. I can't."
Arafinwë's shoulers slumped, but he made no sound of protest. Findis went on.
"You say Lalwen shouldn't have expected me to give up everything I value and hold dear about my life to support my family. But here you are asking me to do the same thing. To leave behind my friends and my responsibilities and go with you to Hecelmar - a land that holds nothing I want - solely in order to talk sense into Fëanáro. Sense into his hair-brained quest to gain back three jewels I have never seen and am not interested in."
"True, and I understand what I'm asking you to sacrifice," Arafinwë said. "But - this is so important, what might result is so bleak..." He sighed. "I do understand if you do not want to make so high a sacrifice-"
"That's not the issue," Findis broke in. "Or rather, it is, but not in the way you're thinking. Arafinwë, it doesn't work."
Arafinwë looked at her, eyebrows raised in silent question.
"I tried, once, to suppress everything I wanted and needed and was because it didn't work with what my family needed from me. I tried to be the perfect Noldorin princess, all dressed up in the palace in Tirion." Findis' lips twisted at the memory. "I couldn't. It wasn't in me. In the end, I wasn't that princess and I'd nearly destroyed myself trying to be."
A long moment of silence.
"I understand," Arafinwë finally said. "I won't ask you about it again." He bowed his head for a moment. "Findis - I'll miss you." His voice sounded choked and hoarse.
He thinks this is our final goodbye, Findis realised. That he will cross to Hecelmar, I will stay behind, and we shall never meet again.
Wordlessly, Findis stood, arms opening in invitation. Arafinwë took it up gladly, his strong arms wrapping around her in a fierce embrace.
You said you understood, Findis thought, feeling hot moisture soak into her hair where Arafinwë was resting his head. But I don't think you have, brother mine. I didn't say I couldn't do it, I said it is not possible. Not for me - and not for you. I think it will not be much longer before you, too, find it impossible to ignore what you want and need any further, realise you do not have it in you to sacrifice anything more for the sake of our family.
We will meet again. The thought carried a curious feeling of certainty with it. And not in some far distant future, either. I will see you again soon, Ingoldo, and then you will have learned what I tried to teach you today.
But-
Findis felt everything she was and wanted rise up within her, all the responsibilities she had gladly taken on herself, all the things Arafinwë had wanted her to abandon-
Not in Tirion.
*****
One day after the exodus of most of the Noldor, Findis left Tirion.
Indis was the only one who saw her off, with an embrace and kiss on both cheeks and - Findis' mother had always had a practical heart - a pack filled to bursting with provisions.
"I can't accept this," Findis protested. They both knew the Noldor who remained were in chaos, so many having gone with Fëanáro that no semblance of a functioning economy or infrastructure remained. It looked as though the people of Tirion would have to loot the houses of those who'd left for food for the near future - under the circumstances, Findis felt she could not in good conscience accept the supplies Indis was offering.
But her mother waved away her objections. "Ingwë said the same when he left, and I got him to see reason too. Ingwion is working on getting the Minyar to send food our way, and considering your cousin's efficiency in these matters I doubt it will be long before we have more food than we need. You, on the other hand, are going to be travelling who-knows-where. And who knows when you'll next be able to resupply."
Findis wasn't convinced. "But, Mother-"
Indis planted her hands on her hips. "Shall we have this argument or shall we save time by just taking it to its inevitable conclusion, namely you taking the supplies? I assure you that I'm not going to accept any other outcome."
Her mother, the unstoppable force. Despite the situation, Findis had to laugh. "All right, all right! Just let it be known I do this under duress."
"As long as you're doing it," Indis said, but there was no sharpness remaining in her tone and her shoulders slumped in obvious relief.
In that unguarded moment, the stress and grief and exhaustion on Indis' face were obvious, even in the dim candlelight.
She's worried about me. No- she's worried about all of us, all her children and grandchildren and one great-granddaughter. I'm just the only one she can do anything about.
"Do you want to come with me, Mother?" Findis offered impulsively.
When Indis just blinked at her in surprise, she went on. "You know the Minyar would welcome your return. And they will not be dealing well with recent events- especially the loss of the Trees," Findis clarified, remembering how many recent events there were to choose from. "Many of them are perhaps on the verge of doing something... unwise."
Something as unwise as Fëanáro and their family had decided on, perhaps not, but thanks to them the remaining Noldor were reeling. The Valar, who Findis knew tended to work on their own timescale and had difficulty with sudden changes, must be in shock of their own. The Teleri-
a shiver of foreboding-
Findis brushed it away; things were bad enough as they were, no need to imagine more trouble. The Teleri might be struggling with the sudden loss of the Trees as well, that was all.
In any case, the Minyar might have to be the bulwark upon which the rest of Valinor could rebuild itself, and so instability among them right now would be absolutely catastrophic. Findis knew it. Ingwë knew it too, hence his early departure when the remaining Noldor might have benefited from his presence. And Indis, clever, politically astute Indis who had once been a leader of the Minyar in her own right, would know it too.
"I will be doing my best to reassure them, and Uncle Ingwë as well. But if you came with me - returned to them in this dark hour - it would do so much to strengthen their hearts." Findis prompted.
For a moment Findis saw longing in her mother's eyes, but then Indis shook her head.
"Not right now," she said. "The Noldor who remain need someone to keep them organised and focused. If I left right now, they'd probably starve to death. Besides," Indis' grin was fierce, "I quite look forward to managing this crisis. It's honestly more enjoyable than life in Tirion has been of late."
Well, Findis could understand that. "Just remember that the offer remains open," she said. "All of us would welcome you, you know that."
"Maybe once the Noldor are back on their feet... once another leader has been found." Indis sighed. "Don't get the wrong impression, Findis - I don't want to stay. There's nothing left for me in Tirion," a brief pause, grief echoing in the silence, but then Indis went on, "and even if I wanted to lead the Noldor in the long run I'd face too much resistance. I'm just having time thinking of someone who'd be accepted, especially considering most of the nobility left."
Maybe Arafinwë, once he comes back.
But Findis hadn't give voice to the thought: no sense in giving her mother false hope if it turned out she'd misjudged her brother.
And so she found herself at the city gates not much later, farewell said, pack strapped to her back. The walk through the dark, lifeless city had been eerie, and Findis found herself once again glad she'd decided to leave Tirion behind.
Which wasn't to say that the journey she was facing was particularly appealing, either. Findis squinted out into the blackness ahead.
The lands around Tirion were familiar, from childhood and later visits as an adult. Before this had happened, she'd have sworn she'd be able to travel them blindfolded. Now, they seemed strange and threatening, no telling what hid in the darkness that enveloped them, the Fëanárian lamp she carried (one of the few remaining) only a weak defence.
Findis blinked.
Was that a light, up ahead?
"Ahoy there! Hwindis, is that you?"
The voice, along with its northern-Minyarin accent, was faint but unmistakeable. "Hwiondi?" Findis called back.
"It is you! Hang on-"
Rapid hoofbeats sounded as the light drew closer. Soon Findis could tell it was Hwiondi, mounted, holding up a lantern, and leading a second horse.
"I'm glad I found you," she said when she drew aside Findis. "Amarië told me you were still in the city but probably not going to stay much longer, I was worried I'd missed you. Come on, mount up."
Findis blinked at her, mind scrambling to catch up with events. "Mount up- Hwiondi, I know I said I might visit your people after the festival, but considering current events-"
"Well, obviously." Hwiondi sounded exasperated. "Considering current events, you're no doubt rushing off to do something immensely important and vital to the stability of our people. Well, I say rushing, but you seem to have forgotten to take a horse with you."
"There weren't any - the ones who left took almost all of them and the rest are needed for messengers." That was one gift Indis had not been able to talk her into.
Hwiondi nodded. "Makes sense. Which is why I decided to bring you one." She nodded at the riderless horse.
"I- thank you-" Findis cut off her fumbled expressions of gratitude and focused on scrambling into the saddle. When she was seated, she said, "I promise I'll catch up with you properly, when things calm down-"
When, Findis? Are you sure you don't mean if? The darkness around them mocked her optimism.
"What, you think I'm letting you head off alone? With one of Thúletál's foals? I'm coming with you, of course."
Hwiondi fixed Findis with her gaze, unusually serious. "Look, Hwindis... when all this began, I thought to myself how can I best help? And I believe this is it. Like I said, I am sure you are rushing off to do something immensely important. Good. I'll be at your side, making sure you remember such essentials as being mounted, or for that matter eating, sleeping, and the occasional hour or two spent in... recreational activities... when the stress gets too great." She winked.
Findis felt a slow smile begin spreading over her face. For the first time since rejoining her family at Taniquetil, she felt like she was home.
"Race you to the crossroads!" she called and spurred her mount ahead.
*****
Notes:
Findis' time with Hwiondi and her people, along with the travelling teachers of Valinor and how Findis came to found them as well as a lot about how I envisage Ingwë and the Vanyar, are part of another fic I'm working on. I hope the fic still worked without that background.
Minyar is the word the Vanyar use for themselves. Since Findis thinks of herself as Vanyarin these days, this means it is used throughout.
Fëanáro - Fëanor
Nolofinwë, Nolvo - Fingolfin
Arafinwë, Ingoldo - Finarfin
Artanis - Galadriel
Turucáno - Turgon
Hecelmar - old Quenya form for Beleriand.
Hwiondi is a Vanyarin form of Noldorin Quenya Fiondi, meaning "hawk". Her calling Findis Hwindis is another Vanyarin dialect thing, as is the name Wailanyel (Noldorin Quenya would be Vailanyel).
Format: Short story
Genre: Some femslash, mainly family/general
Rating: Teens
Warnings: None
Characters: Findis, Lalwen, Finarfin, Indis and an OFC, with a minor appearance by Fëanor
Pairings: Findis/OFC
Summary: Findis, who works as a travelling teacher in distant corners of Valinor, has not seen her family in years. Even news of the events surrounding her brother and half-brother did not bring her back to Tirion. When she goes to the great festival on Taniquetil, not all of her relatives are happy about her long absence. During the festival, the Darkening that brings it to an abrupt end and everything that follows, Findis must come to terms with her actions and decide where she belongs.
"Ha! Beat you!" Hwiondi's cry echoed from ahead. Findis could see her figure on the crest of the last hill, arms thrown high in a victory pose.
Findis heaved a sigh as she followed. It was hardly a surprise she'd lost their impromptu race, considering she'd spent the last few decades with the tribes in the great forest that covered the foothills of the southern Pelóri. With the thick undergrowth and dense trees it was no place for horses - small wonder if she was out of practice. All the same...
"We'll have to have a rematch," she said when she drew her mount up along Hwiondi's. "Once I've had time to get used to the saddle again."
The other woman threw her an impish look. "If by that you mean once you can win against me, well... that's going to be a long wait!"
Findis stuck out her tongue. Hwiondi laughed.
"So, are you joining us for the festival?" Hwiondi asked as they dismounted. "I know Amarië would be delighted to see you - well, once I manage to drag her away from that Ñoldorin prince of hers." Hwiondi rolled her eyes. "And Mother's here as well, and so is Aunt Wailanyel - it would be a proper reunion."
For a moment, Findis let herself imagine agreeing. She'd spent years with Hwiondi's people once, still had so many friends among them. It would make for a magnificent festival, teasing Amarië about her relationship with Findis' nephew Findaráto, catching up with Wailanyel who she'd not seen in over a yén, winning a race against Hwiondi - or perhaps sneaking off into the bushes with her? So many possibilities...
Then she sighed, banishing the fantasy from her thoughts.
"Not this year, I'm afraid. My family will be coming. I should really spend time with them."
Hwiondi nodded, her face somber. They'd spoken about Findis' family before... and, of course, she'd have heard the rumours. Findis would be surprised if there was a single person in Valinor, no matter how remote and isolated, who hadn't.
Certainly the news of the tumult surrounding her brother and half-brother had reached Findis herself in a distant corner of Valinor, even if only long after the fact. So long after the fact that there hadn't seemed to be any point in returning, everything over and done with without Findis' presence or involvement; no good she could do by storming back and tearing open wounds that had only just begun to heal.
At least - Findis thought guiltily - so she'd justified it to herself.
"I'm sorry," she told Hwiondi. "Maybe I can go with you and Amarië afterwards. I need to travel again anyway - I'd just about finished with Laicanis' people anyway. All of the children along with a good number of the adults have reached the first standard in not only literacy but also geography, history and music, and I managed to train one of the more interested men as an apprentice teacher. They should do all right by themselves for a while."
"Well," Hwiondi said solemnly, "in that case, it just so happens I've been stricken by a terrible bout of amnesia concerning my letters and education. I'm certain sessions of... intense... one-on-one tutoring are my only hope. Surely your professional educator's instincts agree?"
Findis had to laugh. "You reprobate. Here, have your winnings from our race instead." She leaned over and gave Hwiondi a peck on the cheek.
"No, no, no - you call that a kiss? I refuse to be cheated out of my just reward, you realise. If you withhold it from me, I'll have to go get it myself." Hwiondi pulled Findis in close and then suited her actions to her words.
It was only quite a long time later that Findis arrived at the Noldorin camp at the base of Taniquetil.
As chance would have it, she ran into someone she knew in the outskirts.
"Findis." Findis shrank under her half-brother's disapproving gaze. "You have twigs in your hair."
"I- it was a long journey," Findis forced out, feeling tongue-tied and self-conscious.
Come on, she raged at herself. You're an adult woman, you have your own life and duties - you're head and founder of the travelling teachers, by the Trees. Tell him off for criticising you without even a hello, ask him what he's doing outside Formenos if rumours are true, stop letting him intimidate you so-
But Fëanáro always had that effect on her, transporting her back in time to when she'd been a gawky girl in Tirion, stifled by her surroundings and by the silent dislike radiating off her half-brother.
(Back then he'd tried to hide it, had done so well enough that neither of her parents had picked up on it. But to Findis - always sensitive to the nuances of people's emotions - it had been impossible to ignore.)
"Ah-" Findis hunted for something to say. "Did you bring the Silmarils?"
She'd never seen the famed jewels and, in truth, wasn't particularly interested in them. It seemed as though her whole life people had been talking about what beautiful thing Fëanáro had created now, and Findis had become heartily sick of it long ago. Still, her half-brother loved talking about his work and showing it off, surely this was a safe way to open the conversation-
"You want to see the Silmarils?" Fëanáro's voice was soft and deadly, precursor of an eruption.
Findis gulped. Apparently she'd misjudged.
"I only meant-"
"Of course you want to see them! The Silmarils, the Silmarils, that's all anyone wants. I should've known you'd just be a greedy vulture like the rest of them!"
Findis found herself backing away slowly, eyes wide. She'd never seen Fëanáro like this before, ever, eyes glittering with a dangerous light, teeth bared like an animal's.
"Fëanáro, I didn't-"
"Findis! There you are!"
Findis silently thanked the Valar when she heard her sister's voice.
And then Lalwen was there, breath coming fast - had she been running? - as she put herself bodily in front of Findis, as though thinking to shield her from Fëanáro.
"We've been waiting for you to arrive," she said, back to Findis. "We've missed you so, you should come to our camp as soon as possible. Right now would be good, in fact." Her voice shifted. "Fëanáro."
"Lalwen."
Findis flinched. She could hear razor-sharp edges in both their voices, and the air between them reminded her of winter in the upper Pelóri, with its winds of killing cold that sliced through flesh as though it wasn't even there.
"Thank you for welcoming my sister," Lalwen continued, each word like a door slamming shut. "However, I am here now. Your presence is no longer required."
Fëanáro paused. Over Lalwen's shoulder, his eyes met Findis'. The fury had gone from his face, one eyebrow cocked in silent question, but his eyes were still hard and bright.
"That means go away," Lalwen snapped.
Findis looked down.
Wordlessly, Fëanáro turned and went.
"Right," Lalwen said after a moment. "Now let's go before he gets it into his head to come back."
"What on earth did you say to him?" Lalwen demanded once they were a fair distance away.
"Asked to see the Silmarils."
Lalwen's wince made it clear that Findis had gravely misstepped. "Not a good idea."
"I gathered," Findis said drily. "I thought it would be a good way to open the conversation, he's always loved talking about his work-"
"Loved showing off, you mean," Lalwen interrupted. "Well. Things have changed."
Findis had always been sensitive to nuance, to the things said in the silence between words. To her, the accusation in Lalwen's voice was impossible to miss, the unspoken words clear: things have changed - without you.
"Lalwen, I'm sorry I wasn't there."
Lalwen spun to face her. "Are you? Are you really?" Her eyes glittered in almost the same way Fëanáro's had (not a comparison safe to make to either). "When it feels like I've barely seen you in yéni? When you spend almost all your time in some- some remote cave in the Pelóri or tiny village on the shore of the Ekkaia or, or barbarian tribe on the plains - at least Arafinwë tries to stop by Tirion every now and then!"
Barbarian tribes on the- Findis wanted to protested on behalf of Hwiondi and her people, but could not gather the words.
"Findis, when push came to shove, when Fëanáro finally lost it like we all knew he was going to eventually, when Father decided to side with him, when Nolvo needed all our help, yes! You weren't there. But you know what? None of us were surprised. Because you're never there."
Silence. Lalwen's breath was coming quickly again. Findis did not think it was from her earlier exertion.
You've been wanting to say that for a while, haven't you.
"Lalwen," Findis said quietly.
"And now you're going to talk about- about what you're doing. About- about literacy rates and education among the Vanyar and the importance of keeping in touch with the more isolated communities." Lalwen's voice had taken on a sing-song tone. "About how it's so important and necessary. As if your family isn't important. As if Uncle Ingwë wasn't getting on perfectly well without you before you left us. As if-"
"Lalwen."
The word cracked like a whip, startling Lalwen into silence. Findis had put all her experience dealing with unruly students into her voice.
"If you want to argue with me, go ahead. But I'd rather appreciate being allowed to say my own part instead of having you put words in my mouth. And," Findis gathered the last dregs of the strength that had fled her when she'd faced Fëanáro, "if you're just going to treat me as a verbal punching bag, I am going to leave. Do you understand?"
For a moment, Findis thought Lalwen was going to apologise. She was expecting it - Findis knew Lalwen's tongue had a tendency to run away with her, leaving her regretting her words not long after they left her mouth.
But then Lalwen's eyes hardened, her expression growing closed and shuttered.
"I need to go," she said, voice abrupt. "I have things to do and I've already tarried here too long. Our camp is just over this ridge, you can't miss it. You should say hello to Nolvo when you get there, he needs all the support he can get right now."
For a moment she simply stood, staring at Findis, then she sucked in a deep breath.
"Findis. One last thing. Please - don't talk to Fëanáro again. Especially not alone. It's not safe."
He's family, Findis wanted to object. He may never have liked any of us, may never have let us forget the half in "half-brother", but he's still family. Are you seriously saying he might hurt me?
She remembered the garbled stories that had come to her of Fëanáro threatening Nolofinwë at swordpoint, the strange fey light in her half-brother's eyes as he snarled at her, and simply nodded her agreement.
Findis did not find herself feeling any less out of place in the following days.
Nolofinwë's greeting to her was brief and distracted, her brother clearly overwhelmed with the duties facing him. The welcome from the rest of his family was no warmer - some clearly just as busy as Nolofinwë, some resenting her as Lalwen had.
To others, Findis realised slowly, she was a near-stranger, one more aunt in an already large family - and one they met so rarely.
She was amazed to realise the toddling little girl with golden hair was not her youngest niece Artanis but instead Turucáno and Elenwë's daughter - Turucáno's daughter, when it seemed like only a few years ago that Turucáno himself had been that age! Even more amazed to see Artanis herself, later, now a tall young woman who had suitors trailing her near every waking moment and remembered Findis not at all.
The welcome from her own mother was far warmer, and Indis was the only person who seemed curious about Findis' recent travels, her time in the great forests far to the south and how she had taught - and learned - among the people there. Yet it proved impossible to find the time for those tales, as it quickly became clear that Findis' was mother nearly as busy as Nolofinwë; Findis excused herself to leave Indis to her work after only a short time.
By the time the festival began, Findis felt like a gawky adolescent again, out of step with her own family and somehow incapable of ever saying the right thing. For an adult woman who had been independent for yéni it was a remarkably galling feeling. As she trailed her family to Ilmarin, she day-dreamed of escaping back to the world she knew - climbing a pass in the Pelóri, tracking her dinner in the Forests of Oromë, galloping with Hwiondi on the wide plains...
At the doorway to Manwë's audience chamber, they found themselves walking beside the royal family of the Minyar. For this festival, Uncle Ingwë was adorned in finery appropriate to his station, including jewelled shoes. Knowing her uncle, Findis suspected Indis and Ingwion had been responsible for his dress - he certainly looked at least as uncomfortable as Findis herself. She shot him a sympathetic smile when he looked in her direction.
Perhaps she might be able to escape to visit her uncle and cousin, later? Ingwë and Ingwion were certain to be interested in her travels, and they'd understand the importance of what she did - a welcome change from Lalwen.
Then they were before Manwë and Varda on their thrones, further distraction impossible when faced with two Valar in all their glory.
"My friends." Manwë's voice was like autumn breezes through the trees and the constant sighing wind on the grasslands and a howling storm all at once. "I welcome you to Ilmarin, to this celebration of the everlasting friendship between Ainur and Eldar, of peace and reconcilation and the healing of grievances."
Healing of grievances? You are great, my lord, but if you truly wish for all the breaches in my family to be mended you may find that a task beyond even you.
Right on the heels of that thought, Manwë's eyes glid over the crowd and found Findis. His gaze rested on her only a heartbeat before moving on, a brief moment that could have been coincidence, but Findis still found herself bowing her head in combined awe and shame.
And - indeed - Manwë turned to her family. Findis watched, amazed, as before his throne Nolofinwë spoke of forgiving Fëanáro, as her half-brother accepted it. Only a few hours ago she would have sworn such a thing impossible. Perhaps the breaches in her family were not beyond hope after all-
Well, some of them, Findis thought ruefully. Beside her, Lalwen radiated silent fury at the sight of Nolofinwë extending his hand to Fëanáro. If it had been her, Findis knew, no power on Arda could have moved her to forgive their half-brother. Half-brother in blood, full brother in heart - no brother in heart is what Lalwen would have you be. Watch yourself, Fëanáro.
Still. Nolofinwë and Fëanáro reconciled was far more than Findis had ever thought could happen. If it lasted, perhaps this festival truly might heal her family after all.
For a moment, Findis simply hoped-
Then, suddenly, Manwë shot to his feet, eyes wide and blazing. The power that blasted out from him almost brought Findis to her knees.
Something is wrong!
Darkness fell.
"Come with you," Findis repeated, voice flat.
Arafinwë nodded. Findis wasn't sure whether the deep shadows under his eyes were real or artifacts of the feeble, flickering candlelight.
"I want you to come. I know Nolofinwë and Lalwen do, as well," he said, voice quiet.
Findis arched an eyebrow. "Lalwen does?"
That first day she'd rejoined her family beneath Taniquetil seemed like eternally long ago, and yet she still hadn't managed to have anything resembling a civil conversation with her sister.
"She's not going to admit it, but she does. You know Lalwen - she holds grudges long past the point she truly wants to, and her tongue has always been sharper than her sense." Arafinwë rolled his eyes, a gesture of brotherly long-suffering.
Findis knew what he meant but still suspected he was wrong this time. There was something different about Lalwen, now, some discontent seething in her soul that added a vicious bite to her words.
Besides, it was true that Findis had found herself on the wrong end of Lalwen's tongue and Lalwen's temper numerous times during their childhood. However... every time before, Lalwen had eventually apologised. This time, Findis privately doubted such would be forthcoming.
"Please," Arafinwë said into the silence, clearly reading Findis' skepticism from her face. "I know she's been... unkind... but she would do so much better if you came. We all would."
Findis leaned back and gazed at her brother.
Once upon a time, she and Arafinwë had been close, a united front against the world. They'd both been unhappy in Tirion, had felt stifled among the Noldorin nobility and yearned for something beyond that - something none of their other siblings had ever been able to understand.
Ironic, truly, that as adults they had ended up so distant: Findis travelling among the Minyar in Valinor, Arafinwë spending most of his time in Eldamar, among the Teleri in Alqualondë. Now, when they spoke Findis could feel her brother consciously stopping himself from slipping into Telerin - a language Findis, who spent so much time absorbing the dialects and linguistic offshoots of the scattered groups of Minyar, had never learned.
Still, there was that old bond there, still remaining from their childhood.
It was that bond Findis drew on when she asked, "Arafinwë. Why are you doing this?"
Arafinwë looked at her, a spark of comprehension in his gaze. Still, his answer made clear he'd rather feign ignorance. "What do you mean? I've told you, the wide lands of Middle-earth-"
Findis shook her head, sending her braid flying. "Don't give me that nonsense, Ingoldo. I know you, remember? You've never dreamed about ruling new empires, never resented the Valar. You're happy in Alqualondë, it's all you ever wanted. So. Why?"
Arafinwë looked away from her, his gaze fixing on the candle. He was silent for so long Findis started to doubt he was planning to answer her at all.
Finally, he said, "Because my family is going."
"Your children," Findis said, suddenly understanding.
Arafinwë nodded, the movement slow, almost dreamlike, still staring at the candle. "Yes. My children. But also Fëanáro, Nolofinwë and Lalwen, my niece and all my nephews- I can't let them run off into disaster without me."
So you think it's going to be disaster, Findis thought, her heart sinking. Alone of their family, Arafinwë had shown signs of being gifted with foresight. If he thought this venture was doomed-
Well, no purpose in trying to get more out of him. When it came to his more unusual abilities, kind, accommodating Arafinwë could clam up in an instant..
Instead, Findis said, "I really don't understand it. I arrive to find the tension between Fëanáro and the rest of us has grown so bad that I almost expect lightning to strike whenever we end up in the same room... and now he has his heart set on this fool venture and you're following him?"
"But that's another reason I'm going, you see," Arafinwë said, suddenly sitting straight upright, his voice fiercely determined. "Fëanáro is in such a state right now, there's absolutely no saying what he might do. That oath alone-"
Arafinwë shuddered. Findis, remembering her horror at Fëanáro's words - so hastily spoken and yet so eternally binding - well understood his reaction.
"Anyway," Arafinwë continued, "if he goes alone, I think he may do something- far worse. Something terrible. Something that will doom him irrevocably. And yes, sister, that is foresight."
Findis swallowed. "So you're hoping to prevent him from making a grave mistake?"
Arafinwë nodded. "Exactly. Findis - I'm going because of my family. Because my children need me, even if they may not think they do. Because the same is true for my brother."
It took Findis a moment to realise he meant Fëanáro and not Nolofinwë.
"It won't be easy," she said, quietly, "trying to be the lone voice of reason in this madness."
"Which is why I wish you'd come," Arafinwë repeated. "Far easier if there are two of us. Especially when it comes to Fëanáro - he's always liked you best. If any of us can restrain him, it's you."
A laugh escaped Findis, sharp and disbelieving. "Fëanáro? Like me? Listen to me?" She thought of the man who'd met her outside the encampment, remembered a childhood spent enduring his silent contempt and resentment. "Arafinwë, are you sure you're feeling quite all right?"
"You've never quite seen it, I know," Arafinwë said, his voice even and patient. "But - yes, Findis. He's always had more respect for you than for any of the rest of us. I think he admires the way you left Tirion behind to create the life you wanted. And... you weren't there, ten years ago. In his eyes, you're the only one who didn't side with Nolofinwë then. Who isn't tainted by that."
Findis raised an eyebrow. "I do believe that's the first time anyone has suggested my absence was a good thing. Lalwen certainly seems to think it's unforgivable that I didn't drop everything and rush to be by Nolofinwë's side back then."
Arafinwë waved her words away. "From my understanding of that area of Valinor, it must have taken at least six months for the news to reach you-"
"A year," Findis corrected.
"-I won't deny that everyone would have appreciated your presence at the time, but as far as I can see the only way we'd have had it is if you'd given up on all your ambitions and goals in favour of sitting around in case your family should happen to need you. Entirely unfair, expecting that of you - I am sure Lalwen will understand that once her temper has cooled. And," Arafinwë continued before Findis could interrupt, "good has come out of it, as now you are possibly the only person in this family Fëanáro will listen to... considering Father is no longer around to voice his opinion."
The silence that followed that statement was heavy with shared grief. Findis felt tears building behind her eyes, angrily fought them down. There would be time to weep for her father once the world wasn't coming apart around her.
After a moment Arafinwë shook his head, blinking repeatedly. His eyes were suspiciously bright when he looked up. "So, will you come?"
Findis' eyes sought out the candle that sat between them. Such a feeble thing, carving out a circle barely wide enough for her and Arafinwë from the great darkness surrounding... and yet in its light, some things were far clearer than they'd been in her family's camp below Taniquetil with the whole world awash in the light of the Trees.
"Arafinwë. I can't."
Arafinwë's shoulers slumped, but he made no sound of protest. Findis went on.
"You say Lalwen shouldn't have expected me to give up everything I value and hold dear about my life to support my family. But here you are asking me to do the same thing. To leave behind my friends and my responsibilities and go with you to Hecelmar - a land that holds nothing I want - solely in order to talk sense into Fëanáro. Sense into his hair-brained quest to gain back three jewels I have never seen and am not interested in."
"True, and I understand what I'm asking you to sacrifice," Arafinwë said. "But - this is so important, what might result is so bleak..." He sighed. "I do understand if you do not want to make so high a sacrifice-"
"That's not the issue," Findis broke in. "Or rather, it is, but not in the way you're thinking. Arafinwë, it doesn't work."
Arafinwë looked at her, eyebrows raised in silent question.
"I tried, once, to suppress everything I wanted and needed and was because it didn't work with what my family needed from me. I tried to be the perfect Noldorin princess, all dressed up in the palace in Tirion." Findis' lips twisted at the memory. "I couldn't. It wasn't in me. In the end, I wasn't that princess and I'd nearly destroyed myself trying to be."
A long moment of silence.
"I understand," Arafinwë finally said. "I won't ask you about it again." He bowed his head for a moment. "Findis - I'll miss you." His voice sounded choked and hoarse.
He thinks this is our final goodbye, Findis realised. That he will cross to Hecelmar, I will stay behind, and we shall never meet again.
Wordlessly, Findis stood, arms opening in invitation. Arafinwë took it up gladly, his strong arms wrapping around her in a fierce embrace.
You said you understood, Findis thought, feeling hot moisture soak into her hair where Arafinwë was resting his head. But I don't think you have, brother mine. I didn't say I couldn't do it, I said it is not possible. Not for me - and not for you. I think it will not be much longer before you, too, find it impossible to ignore what you want and need any further, realise you do not have it in you to sacrifice anything more for the sake of our family.
We will meet again. The thought carried a curious feeling of certainty with it. And not in some far distant future, either. I will see you again soon, Ingoldo, and then you will have learned what I tried to teach you today.
But-
Findis felt everything she was and wanted rise up within her, all the responsibilities she had gladly taken on herself, all the things Arafinwë had wanted her to abandon-
Not in Tirion.
One day after the exodus of most of the Noldor, Findis left Tirion.
Indis was the only one who saw her off, with an embrace and kiss on both cheeks and - Findis' mother had always had a practical heart - a pack filled to bursting with provisions.
"I can't accept this," Findis protested. They both knew the Noldor who remained were in chaos, so many having gone with Fëanáro that no semblance of a functioning economy or infrastructure remained. It looked as though the people of Tirion would have to loot the houses of those who'd left for food for the near future - under the circumstances, Findis felt she could not in good conscience accept the supplies Indis was offering.
But her mother waved away her objections. "Ingwë said the same when he left, and I got him to see reason too. Ingwion is working on getting the Minyar to send food our way, and considering your cousin's efficiency in these matters I doubt it will be long before we have more food than we need. You, on the other hand, are going to be travelling who-knows-where. And who knows when you'll next be able to resupply."
Findis wasn't convinced. "But, Mother-"
Indis planted her hands on her hips. "Shall we have this argument or shall we save time by just taking it to its inevitable conclusion, namely you taking the supplies? I assure you that I'm not going to accept any other outcome."
Her mother, the unstoppable force. Despite the situation, Findis had to laugh. "All right, all right! Just let it be known I do this under duress."
"As long as you're doing it," Indis said, but there was no sharpness remaining in her tone and her shoulders slumped in obvious relief.
In that unguarded moment, the stress and grief and exhaustion on Indis' face were obvious, even in the dim candlelight.
She's worried about me. No- she's worried about all of us, all her children and grandchildren and one great-granddaughter. I'm just the only one she can do anything about.
"Do you want to come with me, Mother?" Findis offered impulsively.
When Indis just blinked at her in surprise, she went on. "You know the Minyar would welcome your return. And they will not be dealing well with recent events- especially the loss of the Trees," Findis clarified, remembering how many recent events there were to choose from. "Many of them are perhaps on the verge of doing something... unwise."
Something as unwise as Fëanáro and their family had decided on, perhaps not, but thanks to them the remaining Noldor were reeling. The Valar, who Findis knew tended to work on their own timescale and had difficulty with sudden changes, must be in shock of their own. The Teleri-
a shiver of foreboding-
Findis brushed it away; things were bad enough as they were, no need to imagine more trouble. The Teleri might be struggling with the sudden loss of the Trees as well, that was all.
In any case, the Minyar might have to be the bulwark upon which the rest of Valinor could rebuild itself, and so instability among them right now would be absolutely catastrophic. Findis knew it. Ingwë knew it too, hence his early departure when the remaining Noldor might have benefited from his presence. And Indis, clever, politically astute Indis who had once been a leader of the Minyar in her own right, would know it too.
"I will be doing my best to reassure them, and Uncle Ingwë as well. But if you came with me - returned to them in this dark hour - it would do so much to strengthen their hearts." Findis prompted.
For a moment Findis saw longing in her mother's eyes, but then Indis shook her head.
"Not right now," she said. "The Noldor who remain need someone to keep them organised and focused. If I left right now, they'd probably starve to death. Besides," Indis' grin was fierce, "I quite look forward to managing this crisis. It's honestly more enjoyable than life in Tirion has been of late."
Well, Findis could understand that. "Just remember that the offer remains open," she said. "All of us would welcome you, you know that."
"Maybe once the Noldor are back on their feet... once another leader has been found." Indis sighed. "Don't get the wrong impression, Findis - I don't want to stay. There's nothing left for me in Tirion," a brief pause, grief echoing in the silence, but then Indis went on, "and even if I wanted to lead the Noldor in the long run I'd face too much resistance. I'm just having time thinking of someone who'd be accepted, especially considering most of the nobility left."
Maybe Arafinwë, once he comes back.
But Findis hadn't give voice to the thought: no sense in giving her mother false hope if it turned out she'd misjudged her brother.
And so she found herself at the city gates not much later, farewell said, pack strapped to her back. The walk through the dark, lifeless city had been eerie, and Findis found herself once again glad she'd decided to leave Tirion behind.
Which wasn't to say that the journey she was facing was particularly appealing, either. Findis squinted out into the blackness ahead.
The lands around Tirion were familiar, from childhood and later visits as an adult. Before this had happened, she'd have sworn she'd be able to travel them blindfolded. Now, they seemed strange and threatening, no telling what hid in the darkness that enveloped them, the Fëanárian lamp she carried (one of the few remaining) only a weak defence.
Findis blinked.
Was that a light, up ahead?
"Ahoy there! Hwindis, is that you?"
The voice, along with its northern-Minyarin accent, was faint but unmistakeable. "Hwiondi?" Findis called back.
"It is you! Hang on-"
Rapid hoofbeats sounded as the light drew closer. Soon Findis could tell it was Hwiondi, mounted, holding up a lantern, and leading a second horse.
"I'm glad I found you," she said when she drew aside Findis. "Amarië told me you were still in the city but probably not going to stay much longer, I was worried I'd missed you. Come on, mount up."
Findis blinked at her, mind scrambling to catch up with events. "Mount up- Hwiondi, I know I said I might visit your people after the festival, but considering current events-"
"Well, obviously." Hwiondi sounded exasperated. "Considering current events, you're no doubt rushing off to do something immensely important and vital to the stability of our people. Well, I say rushing, but you seem to have forgotten to take a horse with you."
"There weren't any - the ones who left took almost all of them and the rest are needed for messengers." That was one gift Indis had not been able to talk her into.
Hwiondi nodded. "Makes sense. Which is why I decided to bring you one." She nodded at the riderless horse.
"I- thank you-" Findis cut off her fumbled expressions of gratitude and focused on scrambling into the saddle. When she was seated, she said, "I promise I'll catch up with you properly, when things calm down-"
When, Findis? Are you sure you don't mean if? The darkness around them mocked her optimism.
"What, you think I'm letting you head off alone? With one of Thúletál's foals? I'm coming with you, of course."
Hwiondi fixed Findis with her gaze, unusually serious. "Look, Hwindis... when all this began, I thought to myself how can I best help? And I believe this is it. Like I said, I am sure you are rushing off to do something immensely important. Good. I'll be at your side, making sure you remember such essentials as being mounted, or for that matter eating, sleeping, and the occasional hour or two spent in... recreational activities... when the stress gets too great." She winked.
Findis felt a slow smile begin spreading over her face. For the first time since rejoining her family at Taniquetil, she felt like she was home.
"Race you to the crossroads!" she called and spurred her mount ahead.
Notes:
Findis' time with Hwiondi and her people, along with the travelling teachers of Valinor and how Findis came to found them as well as a lot about how I envisage Ingwë and the Vanyar, are part of another fic I'm working on. I hope the fic still worked without that background.
Minyar is the word the Vanyar use for themselves. Since Findis thinks of herself as Vanyarin these days, this means it is used throughout.
Fëanáro - Fëanor
Nolofinwë, Nolvo - Fingolfin
Arafinwë, Ingoldo - Finarfin
Artanis - Galadriel
Turucáno - Turgon
Hecelmar - old Quenya form for Beleriand.
Hwiondi is a Vanyarin form of Noldorin Quenya Fiondi, meaning "hawk". Her calling Findis Hwindis is another Vanyarin dialect thing, as is the name Wailanyel (Noldorin Quenya would be Vailanyel).
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Date: 2015-03-30 11:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-31 05:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-04-01 12:41 am (UTC)I love your characterizations, particularly of Findis, Lalwen, and Arafinwe. These characters just step off the page for me. I especially liked how Findis's self-perception and what she learns of how others see her differ in such a way that really build nicely into the conflicts of the story. Findis isn't a character I've written before (using the Silm family tree for the House of Finwe) or even read much about. I love your version of her, which is so different from how I'd imagined her in a way that reminds me of one of the great joys of fanfic: getting to meet familiar characters for the first time again!
The issue of Findis's obligation to her family creates an interesting conflict. Of course, we see this as well with Arafinwe, as he decides whether to stay (what he'd prefer) or go (what he feels obligated to do). The Silm says this, of course, but you really brought this out nicely in a way I'd never thought about it before, and I liked how you showed Findis and Arafinwe side-by-side in such a way that their different decisions were in contrast. I've always seen Arafinwe as the peacekeeper in the family, personally speaking, and as one who makes many sacrifices to keep as much civility as possible in the firestorm that is the House of Finwe. Findis's decision takes a different type of strength, but I very much related to the choice she ended up making.
And I have to end by saying that I loved the glimpses of your world-building! :) I am definitely interested in the story that shows more of this.
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Date: 2015-04-06 09:57 am (UTC)I can follow the reasoning behind Findis's choice to stay and the issues she's dealing with there--and some other things come across very vividly, like that encounter with Feanor and Lalwen.
There are some other (perhaps less essential) bits that I understand less well, probably because I lack the backstory.
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Date: 2015-05-16 10:41 pm (UTC)