I Cannot Stop the Tears

[engarian.livejournal.com]

B2MeM Prompt and Path:The candles are quenched, Red
Format:ficlet
Genre:darkfic
Rating:R
Warnings:This is NOT a feel good story
Characters:Nerdanel, Nienna
Pairings:Nerdanel, Fëanor
Creator’s Notes:Tolkien provided the sandbox, I merely play with the bucket and shovel he left behind. No profit of any kind is made from my fanworks.
Summary:Nerdanel remained in Aman, when Fëanor and her sons went East chasing Melkor and the Silmarils he had stolen. (Ignoring the controversy of the possible death of one of the Twins on the burning ships.) A look at how Fëanor’s death affected his wife.



I Cannot Stop the Tears


I haven’t shared his bed, his house, his life for many Blendings. The joys we shared in the early days, exploring our land and our bodies, are long behind us. We grew apart – something I would have thought impossible. But he worked with flame, and I worked with stone. His gift was that bright spark, his startling intellect and extreme focus. My gift was the slow stability, the careful consideration combined with an overall focus and loving care.

Now I work in darkness and everything is dead around me. Without guidance from the Valar - their assistance in nurturing plants without light, and their teachings for how to preserve foods we already had harvested - we would have been lost. Now I light lanterns and candles and allow my fingers to feel the shaped stone instead of using my eyes. I sharpen my tools by count, not judging the edge by the glint of Laurelin against the keen edge; and if I slip while carving and slice myself, there is no-one here to care.

I have been working on a commission. Even though dark, we still have the stars. Anairë requested a statue of a fawn drinking to stand at the edge of a reflecting pool in her garden. I was grateful for the work. I may have left my husband long before, but I am still tarred by his brush. Commissions are fewer than before the Darkening.

Suddenly I feel a sharp, powerful pain! I cry out, falling to my workshop floor. I hear someone screaming in the darkness – is that my voice? Yes, it must be, I am alone here. I feel him; we are still intertwined. His fëa is being pulled from mine. The strands we wove together through our lives are now cut asunder. I writhe on the ground, my voice howling in anguish.

A presence solidifies next to me. Strong, comforting arms embrace me, rocking me, holding me close, murmuring words that slowly arrange themselves into sounds that I recognize. “It’s all right, child. It will pass and you will be the stronger for it. He is dying, and when he has passed, your pain will also leave.” I look up into Nienna’s eyes and we weep together as I lose my husband to Mandos’ Halls.

When I have breath again I ask, dreading her answer. “I have seven sons who left with Fëanor. Will I feel thus for each of them if they too die in this hopeless quest?” The Lady says nothing, merely strokes my hair and continues to hold me. I cannot stop the tears.

Comments

[kayleelupin.livejournal.com]

Poor Nerdanel! I'm so glad she has Nienna there to comfort her in such unspeakable pain. :( You really made me feel this, nettenya. I think Atto would have loved it as I do.

[engarian.livejournal.com]

I miss him terribly, and think of him so often. I hope he would have enjoyed this small slice. Thanks for your words, my dear.

- Erulisse (one L)

[just-jenni.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful! Sad yes, but no less pleasant to read because of that.

Actually, today is going to be a rough one because of the storm warnings and nobody here is going to venture outside. I feel all I want to do is stay in, keep warm and read the saddest fanfic I can find. And it's going to be awesome. :P

[engarian.livejournal.com]

I love writing in the Feanorian universe, and have always felt that instead of a "tug" when a spouse dies, there is something much more dramatic. Thus - Nerdanel's pain. I do wonder, given this, what Finwe felt when Miriel decided to pass into Mandos.

- Erulisse (one L)

[just-jenni.livejournal.com]

I do wonder, given this, what Finwe felt when Miriel decided to pass into Mandos.

Now that's worth writing about too. ;)

[shirebound]

*sniff* This is beautifully written.

[engarian.livejournal.com]

Thank you, my friend (handing you a box of tissues).

- Erulisse (one L)

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

I really loved this (bad as that sounds!). You write that time of darkness very convincingly, and Nerdanel's pain felt very real. I've written a similar scene just recently but you've been kinder than I've been, giving Nerdanel Nienna to help her deal with the sundering of their bond. A very sweet idea.

[engarian.livejournal.com]

I really loved writing this (which actually sounds equally bad - LOL). I just allowed it to flow, and then suddenly Nienna pushed her way into the tale. I was very glad that she did, because I think Nerdanel was quite alone, sundered from most elves after The Darkness and the exodus.

Thank you for your comments and for reading my tales. It's very appreciated.

- Erulisse (one L)

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

I quite agree; even if she cannot really be blamed, no doubt people would; or if they don't, she might still blame herself. Either way, it seems like some form of isolation is inevitable.

You're very welcome! I'm enjoying them a lot. So thank you for writing them!

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

Poor Nerdanel! I have so much sympathy for her, and you portray her pain very well. I'm glad she has Nienna to comfort her.

[engarian.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much! Nienna just insisted that she would be there and who am I to say "no" to a Vala? :-)

- Erulisse (one L)

[independence1776]

I feel so sorry for Nerdanel right now.

[engarian.livejournal.com]

I love writing Nerdanel. We work in different crafts, but I see her workshop so clearly in my mind after these many stories I've written that feature it. She's a wonderful character who was given such a horrible burden to bear, equally as much pain and sorrow as any elf who crossed over to the East.

Thank you for reading and for sharing your comments, I appreciate it VERY much.

- Erulisse (one L)