Our Home Within the Stars

[nienna324]

Prompt: "By the starlit mere of Cuiviénen, Water of Awakening, they rose from the sleep of Ilúvatar; and while they dwelt yet silent by Cuiviénen their eyes beheld first of all things the stars of heaven." (The Silmarillion, "Of the Coming of the Elves and the Captivity of Melkor, Tolkien.) Initial prompt.
Format/Genre: Poetry
Rating: General
Warnings: N/A
Pairings: N/A
Summary: A poem/song about the stars, and the Great Journey.

Creator's notes: I imagine this being sung by someone who was not personally among those who made the Great Journey, but one born soon after, well before the darkening, who is now passing on the story to a child of the next generation. It feels sort of...simplistic in its depiction of the Journey, which I think fits with the idea of it being sung to children. Our/we pronouns are used instead of they/them, because while the Elda singing wasn't personally at Cuiviénen, it is a story with which the singer's people would identify as their own.
Constructive criticism and/or comments of any kind would be greatly appreciated.

As the Quendi awoke
To the eternal stars we gazed
In light and belonging; in hope

The unknown world; in yet uncounted days
Was tempered by starlight
Though history would traverse through innumerable ways

Their lights did pierce the unending night
As the shadows grew ever more
Still the stars alone shone bright

And when at last we were found; in days of yore
By Oromë the Vala bold
We were named the Eldar; as stars forevermore

To Aman many did go; legends unforetold
Carrying the stars with them
As fair Valinor was ours to behold

The stars on high; eternal light
Shall carry me forever home within the unknown night!

Comments

[hhimring]

This shows really well how the Eldar are all about the stars, the way it keeps coming back to them!
And I like what you've done with the form.


(As you've asked for concrit, I think I might consider replacing the semicolons with commas, either all of them or only the first two. I feel the first two are a bit confusing to the reader because they don't mark enough of a break.)

[nienna324]

I'm so glad you liked it! I really haven't written any poetry before(technically I have but not much), so I'm happy with how it turned out. I honestly didn't even realize how it keeps coming back to the Stars, but you're totally right! I guess I did that sort of subconsciously...
And thanks for the concrit, that is a good idea and I will change it. I have a tendency to way overuse commas but you're right that they don't mark enough of a break.

[shirebound]

"The unknown world"... it certainly was! This is lovely.

[nienna324]

Thank you! I'm glad you like it!
Yes, the Elves were literally and figuratively in the dark, and I like to think that the stars were a sort of solace to them, a break from the utter uncertainty in which they were surrounded, as well as giving them a sense of belonging, of being in the right place after all, that gave them strength to face the vast unknown. Just my thoughts...

[independence1776]

This is lovely!