b2mem | Inspector Durin of the Yard by smallhobbit

B2MeM Prompt, Card and Number: Police, Color Burst 5 Blue O67
Format: Fic
Genre: Casefic
Rating: G
Warnings: There's a dead body, but no great loss
Characters: Bilbo Baggins, Thorin Oakenshield, Dwalin, Fili, Kili
Pairings: n/a
Creator’s Notes (optional):
Summary: Police AU set in 1930s, fusion with Inspector Alleyn Mysteries

[A voice announces: Inspector Durin Mysteries, Episode 1]

“So, you’re telling me you found the body in the greenhouse this morning, when you came in with your students, and that you had no idea Mr Lickspittle was in here until you opened the door,” Inspector Durin said.

“That’s correct, Inspector. I really don’t know why he’d gone in there at all,” Bilbo Baggins replied.

“Who was the last person in the greenhouse last night, as far as you know?”

“Um,” Bilbo hesitated.

“That was me,” another voice said. “It was my turn to sweep up after we’d finished the class.”

Durin glared at the speaker, his nephew Fili. “Either you didn’t do a very good job, or someone came in after you and deliberately spread earth around.”

“I might not have …” Fili tailed off, given his uncle’s expression.

“Mr Baggins, it would appear your pupils still have a lot to learn,” Durin said. “Although it might mean we can get some reasonable prints. I shall need to ask you some more questions, is there anywhere we can go to talk privately?”

Bilbo thought for a minute. “I assume the potting shed is unavailable?”

“For the moment.”

“There’s a bench in the walled garden we could use.”

“Lead on,” Durin said. Once they were sitting on the bench, he added, “Tell me about Lickspittle.”

“Alfrid Lickspittle did odd jobs around the place. He couldn’t be trusted to do anything by himself, he was lazy, and we suspected he wasn’t above stealing money from people, but we hadn’t been able to prove anything. But Bard, my head gardener, found he had his uses.” Bilbo laughed. “We sometimes used him as a scarecrow, leaving him sitting on a piece of ground which had been freshly sown before we’d had time to cover the seeds.”

“And you’ve no idea why he was found lying in your greenhouse with a pair of shears sticking out of his back? It’s not possible Bard had got fed up with him?”

“If he had, I would suspect he’d have punched him, rather than ruin a perfectly good gardening implement.”

“And the tools were easy to get hold of?”

“They were supposed to be put away at the end of the day.” Bilbo hesitated. “I believe that was Kili’s job last night.”

Durin sighed. “Yes, my sister was hoping taking this course might instil a bit more responsibility into my nephews.” He was about to say something else when he spotted his sergeant approaching them. “Sergeant Dwalin, what can we do for you?”

Dwalin held a plant pot out to Bilbo. “I wonder, sir, if you could identify this?”

Bilbo looked at the plant. “That’s not something I’m growing. Those are cheap pots. We use better quality ones, they last much better.”

“So you’re not growing cannabis in your greenhouse?”

“Certainly not!” In his agitation Bilbo leapt up.

“Please, Mr Baggins, sit down again,” Durin said. “I suspect this is the reason why Lickspittle was in the greenhouse. I wonder who else knew about it.”

[End of episode music. An announcer’s voice saying ‘Tune in next week for another thrilling instalment’]