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b2memB2MeM Challenge: B-07 Crack Fic Bingo Card, ________made them do it!
Format: Ficlet
Genre: Crack
Rating: PG-13 rude language
Warnings: rude language, seriously cracky, AU, character death
Characters: Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Gwaihir, Landroval, Meneldor, Pippin
Pairings: None
Title: What Goes Up...
Summary: The War of the Ring is over, but the celebration is on hold due to a slight screw up involving poppies.
“What have you done? Are you completely mad? You’d have done better to stay away than to do what you have done here today,” Aragorn shouted.
“In all the years I have known you, I have respected you, and your kind,” Gandalf said sadly. “You have treated me fairly and saved me from certain doom on more than one occasion. I cannot believe that you could have failed us all in such a grievous way.”
“One simple task! That was all! Just one simple task,” Aragorn sighed.
The three large birds hung their heads in shame but did not say anything.
“Here, we stand upon a field of victory, all eyes turned toward us, a celebration emanate, and now, what do we tell the people of Middle earth? How do we bring them this news?” Aragorn sighed.
“Hey, chill, Strider, it’s still a victory,” Gwaihir said. “The war is won. Victory is yours. The Dark Lord is dead and the lands are free once again.”
“But at what price?” Aragorn snapped. “How can I begin a celebration when the heroes of the day have perished?”
“Aragorn, dude, that’s how war is, man,” Landroval shrugged his wings, “War is hell. Sometimes you get the bear and sometimes the bear gets you. When the going gets tough, sometimes the tough get dead.”
“Is that how it goes?” Meneldor frowned. “When the going gets tough, sometimes the tough get dead? I thought it was the tough get tougher.”
“I believe it’s the tough get going,” Gandalf said absently.
“Where do they go?” Landroval asked.
“They run off and save their own asses, dude,” Meneldor said. “Then they live to fight another day.”
“That doesn’t sound so tough,” Landroval objected. “It’s a great idea for savin your skin but it doesn’t sound tough to me.”
“That isn’t the point!” Aragorn snapped. “You bird-brains had one job to do! Just the one and you failed spectacularly!”
“Look, those hobbits were small. They were just dead weight, man,” Landroval said. “In fact, they might have been dead already when we picked them up. There was no way to tell. Besides, small things are very hard to hold onto properly. It’s tough to get a grip. Those hobbits were all sweaty like from the heat and you know how hard it is to hold onto something that’s covered in sweat. Haven’t you ever dropped anything important?”
“You sounds like you’re trying to equate this with breaking a tea cup or spilling the sugar!” Aragorn shouted. “What is wrong with you three?”
“Must have been the poppies,” Gwaihir sighed. “I thought we were asking for trouble by even trying it. We’d found this huge field of poppies earlier and so we landed and just helped ourselves, like you do, you know? I had a serious buzz on when the word came that you needed us and I said to Landy there, I said, Landy, I don’t think we should try this. We’re too wasted. But Landy figured that we could still manage it, so we all turned up and gave it a go.”
“Yeah, we’ve flown wasted before,” Landroval said. “Loads of times. You know what people say. High like an Eagle? That don’t just refer to flyin’ you know. This is the first time we’ve ever had any trouble with it.”
“No, that’s not right,” Gwaihir corrected. “Remember that time you dropped those dwarves into the sea?”
“No, when was that?” Landroval frowned, scratching his beak with one foot.
“You don’t remember?” Meneldor grinned. “Man, you must be even more toasted than I thought you were! We took serious shit over that. I can‘t see how you don‘t remember that one!”
Aragorn rubbed his temples and fought the urge to scream. “You agreed to rescue the Ring Bearers knowing full well that you were high on poppy plants?”
“Don’t you have more of those little hobbit dudes?” Landroval asked. “I mean, they all basically look alike to me. If you’ve got a couple more of them, couldn’t you like pass ‘em off as the two we dropped?”
“Yeah, who’d know?” Gwaihir asked.
Just then, Legolas rushed up carrying Pippin in his arms with Gimli following him close behind.
“Aragron! We’ve found Pippin,” Legolas said.
“We?” Gimli panted. “What do mean, we found Pippin? I was the one that found him! You were ready to give up and were just standing there complaining when I spotted his foot sticking out from underneath that troll and I said-”
“That’s wonderful, Legolas,” Aragorn said ignoring Gimli completely.
Landroval looked over Legolas’ shoulder at the hobbit and frowned. “Dude, if I were you, I’d let the dwarf take the rap for that one. You may have found a hobbit, but I think yours is seriously broken. As soon as old Strider and Gandalf here get a good look at it, your ass is going to be in a sling. I’m just sayin’”
Gimli growled. “A troll fell on the hobbit! We did nothing at all to him. We found him that way!”
“Why didn’t we make up something like a troll or some other shit, Gwai?” Landroval whispered. “They’d have never known.”
“I was so loopy at the time, I didn’t think of it,” Gwaihir sighed.
“Me either,” Meneldor said. “I hope this is over soon cause I have a serious case of the munchies just now.”
“Me too,” Landroval said. “Wonder if they have any biscuits around here or maybe some nice, fat, dead rodents or a fox maybe. I could really chow down on some dead fox.”
“I think you should see to Pippin, now, Aragorn,” Legolas suggested, looking disgustedly at the eagles. “The Eagles are correct about one thing. The young hobbit is seriously injured.”
“So, where are Frodo and Sam then?” Gimli asked. “Are they going to be all right?”
The Eagles looked skyward and Landroval began to whistle.
“We have some grievous news to impart,” Gandalf said sadly.
“No, no, no,” Gwaihir said, placing a wing over Gandalf’s mouth. “You don’t break it to ‘em like that, Wiz. That’s just asking for trouble. What you do is you say it like this.” He turned to face Gimli and Legolas. “Guys, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good news is, the Dark Lord is dead and the little hobbit dudes managed to destroy the Ring so everyone is free again!” He looked at Gandalf. “You wanna play that bit up extra big with lots of excitement in your voice. Then you hurry through the other part while they are all celebrating’ the good news. Less chance of anyone getting’ pissed that way.” Gwaihir cleared his throat and turned back to Gimli and Legolas and said, “The bad news is, we sort of accidentally dropped our hobbits in the lava.”
“It wasn’t our fault. It was all the poppy plants we had,” Landroval broke in. “We were as high as aeries.”
“Higher,” Meneldor said trying to be helpful.
“Our hobbit looks pretty good now,” Gimli said smiling at Legolas. “He’s a bit smashed up, but at least we didn’t drop him!”
GW 03-09-2012
Format: Ficlet
Genre: Crack
Rating: PG-13 rude language
Warnings: rude language, seriously cracky, AU, character death
Characters: Aragorn, Gandalf, Legolas, Gimli, Gwaihir, Landroval, Meneldor, Pippin
Pairings: None
Title: What Goes Up...
Summary: The War of the Ring is over, but the celebration is on hold due to a slight screw up involving poppies.
“What have you done? Are you completely mad? You’d have done better to stay away than to do what you have done here today,” Aragorn shouted.
“In all the years I have known you, I have respected you, and your kind,” Gandalf said sadly. “You have treated me fairly and saved me from certain doom on more than one occasion. I cannot believe that you could have failed us all in such a grievous way.”
“One simple task! That was all! Just one simple task,” Aragorn sighed.
The three large birds hung their heads in shame but did not say anything.
“Here, we stand upon a field of victory, all eyes turned toward us, a celebration emanate, and now, what do we tell the people of Middle earth? How do we bring them this news?” Aragorn sighed.
“Hey, chill, Strider, it’s still a victory,” Gwaihir said. “The war is won. Victory is yours. The Dark Lord is dead and the lands are free once again.”
“But at what price?” Aragorn snapped. “How can I begin a celebration when the heroes of the day have perished?”
“Aragorn, dude, that’s how war is, man,” Landroval shrugged his wings, “War is hell. Sometimes you get the bear and sometimes the bear gets you. When the going gets tough, sometimes the tough get dead.”
“Is that how it goes?” Meneldor frowned. “When the going gets tough, sometimes the tough get dead? I thought it was the tough get tougher.”
“I believe it’s the tough get going,” Gandalf said absently.
“Where do they go?” Landroval asked.
“They run off and save their own asses, dude,” Meneldor said. “Then they live to fight another day.”
“That doesn’t sound so tough,” Landroval objected. “It’s a great idea for savin your skin but it doesn’t sound tough to me.”
“That isn’t the point!” Aragorn snapped. “You bird-brains had one job to do! Just the one and you failed spectacularly!”
“Look, those hobbits were small. They were just dead weight, man,” Landroval said. “In fact, they might have been dead already when we picked them up. There was no way to tell. Besides, small things are very hard to hold onto properly. It’s tough to get a grip. Those hobbits were all sweaty like from the heat and you know how hard it is to hold onto something that’s covered in sweat. Haven’t you ever dropped anything important?”
“You sounds like you’re trying to equate this with breaking a tea cup or spilling the sugar!” Aragorn shouted. “What is wrong with you three?”
“Must have been the poppies,” Gwaihir sighed. “I thought we were asking for trouble by even trying it. We’d found this huge field of poppies earlier and so we landed and just helped ourselves, like you do, you know? I had a serious buzz on when the word came that you needed us and I said to Landy there, I said, Landy, I don’t think we should try this. We’re too wasted. But Landy figured that we could still manage it, so we all turned up and gave it a go.”
“Yeah, we’ve flown wasted before,” Landroval said. “Loads of times. You know what people say. High like an Eagle? That don’t just refer to flyin’ you know. This is the first time we’ve ever had any trouble with it.”
“No, that’s not right,” Gwaihir corrected. “Remember that time you dropped those dwarves into the sea?”
“No, when was that?” Landroval frowned, scratching his beak with one foot.
“You don’t remember?” Meneldor grinned. “Man, you must be even more toasted than I thought you were! We took serious shit over that. I can‘t see how you don‘t remember that one!”
Aragorn rubbed his temples and fought the urge to scream. “You agreed to rescue the Ring Bearers knowing full well that you were high on poppy plants?”
“Don’t you have more of those little hobbit dudes?” Landroval asked. “I mean, they all basically look alike to me. If you’ve got a couple more of them, couldn’t you like pass ‘em off as the two we dropped?”
“Yeah, who’d know?” Gwaihir asked.
Just then, Legolas rushed up carrying Pippin in his arms with Gimli following him close behind.
“Aragron! We’ve found Pippin,” Legolas said.
“We?” Gimli panted. “What do mean, we found Pippin? I was the one that found him! You were ready to give up and were just standing there complaining when I spotted his foot sticking out from underneath that troll and I said-”
“That’s wonderful, Legolas,” Aragorn said ignoring Gimli completely.
Landroval looked over Legolas’ shoulder at the hobbit and frowned. “Dude, if I were you, I’d let the dwarf take the rap for that one. You may have found a hobbit, but I think yours is seriously broken. As soon as old Strider and Gandalf here get a good look at it, your ass is going to be in a sling. I’m just sayin’”
Gimli growled. “A troll fell on the hobbit! We did nothing at all to him. We found him that way!”
“Why didn’t we make up something like a troll or some other shit, Gwai?” Landroval whispered. “They’d have never known.”
“I was so loopy at the time, I didn’t think of it,” Gwaihir sighed.
“Me either,” Meneldor said. “I hope this is over soon cause I have a serious case of the munchies just now.”
“Me too,” Landroval said. “Wonder if they have any biscuits around here or maybe some nice, fat, dead rodents or a fox maybe. I could really chow down on some dead fox.”
“I think you should see to Pippin, now, Aragorn,” Legolas suggested, looking disgustedly at the eagles. “The Eagles are correct about one thing. The young hobbit is seriously injured.”
“So, where are Frodo and Sam then?” Gimli asked. “Are they going to be all right?”
The Eagles looked skyward and Landroval began to whistle.
“We have some grievous news to impart,” Gandalf said sadly.
“No, no, no,” Gwaihir said, placing a wing over Gandalf’s mouth. “You don’t break it to ‘em like that, Wiz. That’s just asking for trouble. What you do is you say it like this.” He turned to face Gimli and Legolas. “Guys, I have some good news, and I have some bad news. The good news is, the Dark Lord is dead and the little hobbit dudes managed to destroy the Ring so everyone is free again!” He looked at Gandalf. “You wanna play that bit up extra big with lots of excitement in your voice. Then you hurry through the other part while they are all celebrating’ the good news. Less chance of anyone getting’ pissed that way.” Gwaihir cleared his throat and turned back to Gimli and Legolas and said, “The bad news is, we sort of accidentally dropped our hobbits in the lava.”
“It wasn’t our fault. It was all the poppy plants we had,” Landroval broke in. “We were as high as aeries.”
“Higher,” Meneldor said trying to be helpful.
“Our hobbit looks pretty good now,” Gimli said smiling at Legolas. “He’s a bit smashed up, but at least we didn’t drop him!”
GW 03-09-2012
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