O72| They're Everywhere
Mar. 22nd, 2012 04:57 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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b2memB2MeM Challenge: The Field of Cormallen (Alternate Viewpoints)
Format: Ficlet
Genre:Humor
Rating: PGish
Warnings: ^ Rating just for one mild curse. Also, this is three weeks old and I forget about it til now...is a "passé" warning in order?
Characters: Sauron, Mouth of Sauron, Gandalf, vague mention of many others.
Summary: Losing a war and a corporeal form would make anyone cranky.
Author's Note: This story, in a glancing-sidelong-at-the-crossovers-card fashion, contains references to one television show and two movies. Catch 'em all!
In that hour, it came to pass that the Dark Tower fell, and the Black Gate along with it; and Sauron, who is not nor never will be a great eye (although he did have an excellent facsimile of one atop the tower, rigged up with fires and mirrors, intended to terrify foe and ally alike), lost then all hold upon the paltry form he’d maintained for over an age of the world. He spun out of his own control, felt himself get all smoky and lowering, and found himself looking out over his own lands.
Everything appeared to be falling to pieces, except for Mount Doom, which was still in the process of erupting admirably. Sauron reached out toward the small White Rider who seemed to be the cause of all this trouble, his vast apparition of a black arm terrifying all who beheld it, but then the pesky wind from the west dispersed the Dark Lord’s remaining physical manifestation.
Sauron, now a naked and incorporeal spirit of malice, cursing under his breath in all the colors of the rainbow and then some, surveyed the wreck of Mordor and saw two small people huddled on a boulder as lava oozed around them. Perceiving then that these little fellows had been the true cause of the trouble, and not the White Rider at all, Sauron lamented, “I’d have gotten away with it if not for you meddling Halflings!”
But it was clear the two were going to be consumed in fire and agony anyway, so Sauron took comfort in this, chuckled evilly, and went on his way.
After wandering around the borders of his lands for more or less two weeks and finding that his servants were indeed all dead or dispersed, the Dark Lord noted that he was now in an incredibly bad mood. It didn’t help when he came upon a huge gathering in a green field amid the flowering trees and sparkling streams of Ithilien. The gathering consisted mainly of Men under many banners, with hair and garb of all hues, and all happy. There were also a few Elves, a Dwarf, and–
“Those damned Halflings!” shrieked Sauron in a rage, storming up to them with all the dread and might his non-existent form could summon. “And now there’s four of them. What, are you little freaks reproducing by cellular division or something?”
The Halflings, quite irreverently, acted like Sauron didn’t exist, so he turned the weight of his boundless fury upon the kingly Man before whom they stood. “You! I saw you in the palantír. You arrogant, snot-nosed brat, look at me when I’m speaking to you!” But the new King continued to ignore Sauron in favor of yapping at the Halflings about dark roads. “Listen up,” fumed the Dark Lord, “I know all about dark roads. Why is your standard black, anyway? I thought you people all thought that color was evil. Hello?!”
Still receiving no acknowledgment, Sauron whirled upon the two Men sitting with the new King. “And you, horse-boy, comb your sodding hair once in a while! You look like a flea-bitten nag. And what’s this banner here? A swan? What sort of pansy are you, sir? Don’t you know we have a long-standing tradition of burning swan-related things on this continent? A tradition I’d be more than happy to revive right now…Hello!?”
“They can’t see nor hear you,” said a haunted, raspy voice. Sauron turned to see his Mouth standing next to him. The Mouth now had a semi-oblique, greyish-clear pallor.
“Now you show up,” Sauron complained. “Where were you when my domain was crumbling?”
“Getting my head cut off,” said the Mouth.
“You always have some convenient, suspiciously cinematic-sounding excuse.” Sauron glared. “And why look you so upset now? I lost a realm. You only lost a head.”
“I see happy people,” whispered the Mouth, eyes glimmering in a haunted and poignant manner. “They’re everywhere.”
“There, there.” Sauron patted the Mouth on the back, moved to sympathy. “I see them too. Never you mind. We’ll leave them soon.”
The Mouth sniffled and then added as an afterthought: “I also see dead people.”
“You mean to tell me these chaps are all actually dead? Well, that makes me feel worlds better!”
“Um, no, my lord. We’re the dead people.”
“How can I be dead?” Sauron spluttered. “I’m not a people! I’m an Ainu, I helped Sing Existence into Being, I–”
“I don’t know, but no one else can see you,” shrugged the Mouth. “Except that guy.” He jabbed his thumb unceremoniously in the direction of a smug white figure.
The wizard waved cheerfully. “Hello, Sauron.”
“Saruman–?!”
“Not as such.”
Sauron’s outrage mounted to epic proportions. “Wait, I know you, you’re that obscure nobody Olórin. What is the meaning of this? How did you steal Saruman’s clothes, and what did you do with him? If anyone was going to deal with that two-faced jackal, it ought to have been me, dammit!”
Gandalf laughed merrily. “I’ve done nothing to Saruman, and I assure you I found my own white clothes. Whatever happens to him, at least he’ll be well-dressed!” He snickered and wiped a tear of mirth from the corner of his eye. “Ah me! Now let’s everyone shut up and listen to the bard.”
“Frodo of the Nine Fingers and the Ring of Dooooom,” began the bard, who had a little lute, a disproportionately large nose, and a vaguely familiar voice.
“Nooo,” Sauron howled in a rage of despair, moved to new depths of horror by the inane ballad. And his voice went unheeded in the merriment, and he fled thence unmarked from the Circles of the World.
_________________
ETA - Okay, I can't help provide this reference for the song right at the end. Strangely amusing.
Format: Ficlet
Genre:Humor
Rating: PGish
Warnings: ^ Rating just for one mild curse. Also, this is three weeks old and I forget about it til now...is a "passé" warning in order?
Characters: Sauron, Mouth of Sauron, Gandalf, vague mention of many others.
Summary: Losing a war and a corporeal form would make anyone cranky.
Author's Note: This story, in a glancing-sidelong-at-the-crossovers-card fashion, contains references to one television show and two movies. Catch 'em all!
In that hour, it came to pass that the Dark Tower fell, and the Black Gate along with it; and Sauron, who is not nor never will be a great eye (although he did have an excellent facsimile of one atop the tower, rigged up with fires and mirrors, intended to terrify foe and ally alike), lost then all hold upon the paltry form he’d maintained for over an age of the world. He spun out of his own control, felt himself get all smoky and lowering, and found himself looking out over his own lands.
Everything appeared to be falling to pieces, except for Mount Doom, which was still in the process of erupting admirably. Sauron reached out toward the small White Rider who seemed to be the cause of all this trouble, his vast apparition of a black arm terrifying all who beheld it, but then the pesky wind from the west dispersed the Dark Lord’s remaining physical manifestation.
Sauron, now a naked and incorporeal spirit of malice, cursing under his breath in all the colors of the rainbow and then some, surveyed the wreck of Mordor and saw two small people huddled on a boulder as lava oozed around them. Perceiving then that these little fellows had been the true cause of the trouble, and not the White Rider at all, Sauron lamented, “I’d have gotten away with it if not for you meddling Halflings!”
But it was clear the two were going to be consumed in fire and agony anyway, so Sauron took comfort in this, chuckled evilly, and went on his way.
After wandering around the borders of his lands for more or less two weeks and finding that his servants were indeed all dead or dispersed, the Dark Lord noted that he was now in an incredibly bad mood. It didn’t help when he came upon a huge gathering in a green field amid the flowering trees and sparkling streams of Ithilien. The gathering consisted mainly of Men under many banners, with hair and garb of all hues, and all happy. There were also a few Elves, a Dwarf, and–
“Those damned Halflings!” shrieked Sauron in a rage, storming up to them with all the dread and might his non-existent form could summon. “And now there’s four of them. What, are you little freaks reproducing by cellular division or something?”
The Halflings, quite irreverently, acted like Sauron didn’t exist, so he turned the weight of his boundless fury upon the kingly Man before whom they stood. “You! I saw you in the palantír. You arrogant, snot-nosed brat, look at me when I’m speaking to you!” But the new King continued to ignore Sauron in favor of yapping at the Halflings about dark roads. “Listen up,” fumed the Dark Lord, “I know all about dark roads. Why is your standard black, anyway? I thought you people all thought that color was evil. Hello?!”
Still receiving no acknowledgment, Sauron whirled upon the two Men sitting with the new King. “And you, horse-boy, comb your sodding hair once in a while! You look like a flea-bitten nag. And what’s this banner here? A swan? What sort of pansy are you, sir? Don’t you know we have a long-standing tradition of burning swan-related things on this continent? A tradition I’d be more than happy to revive right now…Hello!?”
“They can’t see nor hear you,” said a haunted, raspy voice. Sauron turned to see his Mouth standing next to him. The Mouth now had a semi-oblique, greyish-clear pallor.
“Now you show up,” Sauron complained. “Where were you when my domain was crumbling?”
“Getting my head cut off,” said the Mouth.
“You always have some convenient, suspiciously cinematic-sounding excuse.” Sauron glared. “And why look you so upset now? I lost a realm. You only lost a head.”
“I see happy people,” whispered the Mouth, eyes glimmering in a haunted and poignant manner. “They’re everywhere.”
“There, there.” Sauron patted the Mouth on the back, moved to sympathy. “I see them too. Never you mind. We’ll leave them soon.”
The Mouth sniffled and then added as an afterthought: “I also see dead people.”
“You mean to tell me these chaps are all actually dead? Well, that makes me feel worlds better!”
“Um, no, my lord. We’re the dead people.”
“How can I be dead?” Sauron spluttered. “I’m not a people! I’m an Ainu, I helped Sing Existence into Being, I–”
“I don’t know, but no one else can see you,” shrugged the Mouth. “Except that guy.” He jabbed his thumb unceremoniously in the direction of a smug white figure.
The wizard waved cheerfully. “Hello, Sauron.”
“Saruman–?!”
“Not as such.”
Sauron’s outrage mounted to epic proportions. “Wait, I know you, you’re that obscure nobody Olórin. What is the meaning of this? How did you steal Saruman’s clothes, and what did you do with him? If anyone was going to deal with that two-faced jackal, it ought to have been me, dammit!”
Gandalf laughed merrily. “I’ve done nothing to Saruman, and I assure you I found my own white clothes. Whatever happens to him, at least he’ll be well-dressed!” He snickered and wiped a tear of mirth from the corner of his eye. “Ah me! Now let’s everyone shut up and listen to the bard.”
“Frodo of the Nine Fingers and the Ring of Dooooom,” began the bard, who had a little lute, a disproportionately large nose, and a vaguely familiar voice.
“Nooo,” Sauron howled in a rage of despair, moved to new depths of horror by the inane ballad. And his voice went unheeded in the merriment, and he fled thence unmarked from the Circles of the World.
_________________
ETA - Okay, I can't help provide this reference for the song right at the end. Strangely amusing.
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no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 12:29 am (UTC)I found the reference to the Sixth Sense, but I'm not very up on films and TV.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 02:12 am (UTC)Thanks for your comments, Linda!
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 12:52 am (UTC)2. The Sixth Sense
3. Rankin-Bass RotK? (That was a godawful song--Sauron has sense, he does)
OMG this made me laugh so, so hard. I would quote all the parts that made me laugh really hard, but then I'd just be quoting the whole thing. Oh well, I can give it a try:
--Sauron's Eye facsimile
--Scooby-Doo villain!
--...the Dark Lord noted that he was now in an incredibly bad mood. Sauron's whole personality, basically.
--“Listen up,” fumed the Dark Lord, “I know all about dark roads. Why is your standard black, anyway? I thought you people all thought that color was evil. Hello?!” I know, right?
--Horse-boy...Swan-pansy... Burning swan-related things...
--Haley Joel Osmont!Mouth
--Gandalf.
What an awesome alternate perspective--thanks so much for this!
edited to add: Also, reproducing by cellular division. Love it.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 02:17 am (UTC)Arguably, the "noooo" can also be a reference to the third Star Wars prequel, but that can be a reference to a lot of things so I didn't count it.
Thanks for your bullet points. I never get tired of bulleted lists.
Yeah, so, with the black standard, do you know what's up with that? Is there a reason for it?
PS - I don't think "cellular division" is quite the word I was looking for. This is where I always tripped up a bit in Bio. I'm thinking I originally forgot to put this online because I planned to figure out the word I was looking for, first...oh well.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 01:25 pm (UTC)I think it's because the original Gondorian kings were super self conscious about their fluctuating waistlines, and wanted to choose the most slimming color possible for their flags/livery.
Also, it's harder to tell when it gets dirty.
No, I think cellular division is accurate--more specifically you might say mitosis, but cellular division is a good generic term.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 02:46 pm (UTC)Ah okay, I just won't trip about it for the time being. As long as I'm not saying something blatantly problematic, I'm good.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 02:48 am (UTC)I love this. :3
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 02:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 10:34 am (UTC)asdfghjk heeee.
Not going to attempt to fish for references, but this has been the cause of much glee indeed.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 02:45 pm (UTC)Aliana listed the references a few comments up.
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Date: 2012-03-23 03:35 pm (UTC)This is a great humor piece. I really enjoyed it.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-23 04:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-24 04:23 am (UTC)(“How can I be dead?” Sauron spluttered. “I’m not a people! I’m an Ainu, I helped Sing Existence into Being, I–”) Always fight to the last. LOL
This was lots of fun.
no subject
Date: 2012-03-24 03:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2012-03-24 01:35 pm (UTC)Peering around the corner, "Are they gone yet?"
So, as I was saying, a horrible song, loved the references to "I see dead people" (or was that live people?) and all in all, this was a fun romp.
- Erulisse (one L)
no subject
Date: 2012-03-24 04:01 pm (UTC)Thank you for your comments, Erulisse.