N-43 Crackfic Harlequin Romance
Mar. 3rd, 2012 01:25 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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b2memB2MeM Challenge: N-43 Crackfic Bingo Card, Harlequin Romance
Format: Harlequin Romance
Genre: Crackfic
Rating: R
Warnings: Sex!, Silliness, and yet more silliness and all of it completely unbeta'd!
Characters: Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, Frodo Baggins, an OC
Pairings: Frodo and the OC
Summary: Can a simple lass with a good heart and a rather bad family find true love on the road to market?
Title: "The Path to Passion", a Baggins Romance
She sighed deeply and clutched her handkerchief to her heaving breasts. She could hardly expect someone with so great a fortune and such a kind and generous heart to notice someone like her. He could have his pick of the finer lasses in the Shire. She’d heard the talk. Becoming the wife of Mr. Frodo Baggins, was the dream of many a young lass.
Her employer, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins‘ sharp tongue cut a wide path through her musings just then. “You there! Quit your daydreaming and be on your way to market before I fire you! You know full well that it is only out of my deep affection for your grandmother that I hired you in the first place. Be grateful that you aren’t still out in the streets selling hand-knitted tea cosies where I found you!”
“Yes, Mrs. Baggins. I’m leaving now, Mrs. Baggins,” Violet said scooping up her shopping basket and hurrying out the door with Mrs. Baggins’ voice chasing after her.
“Don’t bring down any more shame on your family than your brother already has!”
This cruel remark put Violet in her place and with her head lowered and her basket tucked tightly against her, she hurriedly walked into the market square.
“You should watch where you’re going, lass,” a strong virile voice said and she felt a hand grasp her arm. When she looked up, she was surprised to find that she was gazing into the deep blue eyes of the very object of her desires, Mr. Frodo Baggins of Bag End!
“Oh, I do beg your pardon, Sir,” Violet said unable to tear her eyes away from his handsome face, and unwilling to allow her eyes to stray far in fear that she might betray herself by ogling the massive, powerful, bulge barely hidden beneath his finely tailored trousers.
He smiled at her and she found herself unable to speak as she began to drown in the deep, blue pools of his luminous eyes.
“Cat got your tongue, lass?” he teased.
“Oh, no, Sir,” she managed. “I am so embarrassed to have troubled you. I was on my way to market for my employer, Mrs. Sackville-Baggins. I did not mean to cause you any bother.” She continued to gaze into his eyes as she spoke, her heart beating as if it were a drum in the annual Lilth Fair Parade. She was amazed that he couldn’t hear it. Suddenly, she felt her knees go weak and she swooned.
Reacting quickly, Frodo took her in his powerful arms and lifted her tiny frame as easily as one might lift a spoonful of mushrooms. So was slim and finely boned and her soft, raven curls cascaded down her back in a way that Frodo found alluring. As she lay motionless in his arms, he dared to steal a kiss, placing his warm lips gently against her soft cheek.
His kiss startled her back to consciousness and their eyes locked. Suddenly she found herself kissing him, kissing him hard and full on the lips and feeling his eager hands as they explored the contours of her body like a hungry hobbit searching the pantry for sweets.
Still holding the beautiful lass in his arms, Frodo walked quickly off the main path and into a copse of trees. Devouring her with his hungry kisses, he managed to place her on a conveniently located bed of pine needles and then drape his muscular frame over her tiny, perfect, body. He knew that he should stop, but he was powerless to keep his hands off her. He ached with desire.
Violet moaned in pleasure as she felt Mr. Baggins’ rough hands beneath her bodice, caressing her milky-white breasts and stimulating her nipples. Amid her joy she cried out, “This is what I have dreamed of all my life and yet I am not worthy of your affection, Mr. Baggins. My family are-”
“Hush, lass,” Frodo urged as he tore open her bodice and ran his nimble fingers down her flat stomach. “I know that your Father was a drunken wastrel who lost the fortunes of numerous fine, families in the Shire and that your brother was a pony thief. I also know that your Mother was a terrible dressmaker and that your Uncle had sex with farm animals, but I care not about your family’s misdeeds. I care not, because I want you. I mean to take you right now, upon this bed of prickly pine needles and I don’t mean to stop until you are screaming with release.”
Violet tossed back her impressive mane of dark curls and squeezed her eyes closed in ecstasy in spite of the wicked prickling of the pine needles. “This is what I have longed for! To be in your arms! Take me, Frodo Baggins! Take me hard and fast and often!”
“I vow with all my richly dressed and well-bred heart to do that very thing!” Frodo declared all the while attempting to rip her clothing from her slim, quavering, body. When the material of her sturdy frock refused to yield to his efforts, Frodo pulled out his knife and sliced her dress from her writhing frame, like an experienced farmer shearing a sheep, thus revealing her naked body to the cool, Shire breeze and to his hungry, lust-filled eyes. As she watched in wonder, he unfastened his finely tailored trousers and released his throbbing, stiffening member. She gasped in amazement. “It’s so huge!”
Frodo smiled wickedly. “Yes, all of the Bagginses have impressive great knobs, even the females. You should have seen the penis on my mum!”
Startled, but not at all put off by this news, Violet spread her legs and invited him into her tunnel of love. Eager to have his way with her, Frodo plunged into her and began to ride her like a wild stallion in a claiming race.
Later, sweat-soaked and exhausted, he rolled off her and collapsed onto his back, wincing as the pine needles attacked him in much the same way he had attacked Violet.
Violet was aglow with the light of pure ecstasy and the joy that only very rough sex with a near strange on the path to town can bring. She slowly raised up one elbow and whispered softly, “My darling, I promise to make you the happiest hobbit in all the Shire. I will satisfy your every need and I will be the perfect wife to you.”
Frodo sat up quickly and looked at her in surprise. “Wife?”
“Well, yes, I thought that-”
“You thought wrong, Miss,” Frodo said surprised by her assumption. “I am hardly the sort to marry the first lass I ravage, with my unbridled passions while on the way to town to purchase some cheese. What sort of lad do you take me for?”
“I thought you were a gentle hobbit. I-I thought you were come to save me from a life of toil and misery and unrequited love!” Violet managed, her breath coming in long, shuddering gasps.
“My word, no! You must have me mistaken for someone else. I just randomly fornicate with willing young lasses until my carnal desires have been satisfied. I don’t intend to marry. That would spoil my chances of planting my seed in the nether regions of my handsome, gardener. Sam will never play hide the sausage with me again if I get married.” He stood and brushed the pine needles from his rippling muscles and began pulling on his finely tailored trousers.
“But what shall I do now? Where shall I go?” Violet wailed, broken hearted and awash with the agony of losing her one, true, obsessive crush to a gardener of all folks!
Frodo smiled sympathetically and looked at her with his luminous, blue eyes and said, “Might I suggest the market? The cheddar cheese today is supposed to be beyond all imaginings.”
GW
03-03-2012
Format: Harlequin Romance
Genre: Crackfic
Rating: R
Warnings: Sex!, Silliness, and yet more silliness and all of it completely unbeta'd!
Characters: Lobelia Sackville-Baggins, Frodo Baggins, an OC
Pairings: Frodo and the OC
Summary: Can a simple lass with a good heart and a rather bad family find true love on the road to market?
Title: "The Path to Passion", a Baggins Romance
She sighed deeply and clutched her handkerchief to her heaving breasts. She could hardly expect someone with so great a fortune and such a kind and generous heart to notice someone like her. He could have his pick of the finer lasses in the Shire. She’d heard the talk. Becoming the wife of Mr. Frodo Baggins, was the dream of many a young lass.
Her employer, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins‘ sharp tongue cut a wide path through her musings just then. “You there! Quit your daydreaming and be on your way to market before I fire you! You know full well that it is only out of my deep affection for your grandmother that I hired you in the first place. Be grateful that you aren’t still out in the streets selling hand-knitted tea cosies where I found you!”
“Yes, Mrs. Baggins. I’m leaving now, Mrs. Baggins,” Violet said scooping up her shopping basket and hurrying out the door with Mrs. Baggins’ voice chasing after her.
“Don’t bring down any more shame on your family than your brother already has!”
This cruel remark put Violet in her place and with her head lowered and her basket tucked tightly against her, she hurriedly walked into the market square.
“You should watch where you’re going, lass,” a strong virile voice said and she felt a hand grasp her arm. When she looked up, she was surprised to find that she was gazing into the deep blue eyes of the very object of her desires, Mr. Frodo Baggins of Bag End!
“Oh, I do beg your pardon, Sir,” Violet said unable to tear her eyes away from his handsome face, and unwilling to allow her eyes to stray far in fear that she might betray herself by ogling the massive, powerful, bulge barely hidden beneath his finely tailored trousers.
He smiled at her and she found herself unable to speak as she began to drown in the deep, blue pools of his luminous eyes.
“Cat got your tongue, lass?” he teased.
“Oh, no, Sir,” she managed. “I am so embarrassed to have troubled you. I was on my way to market for my employer, Mrs. Sackville-Baggins. I did not mean to cause you any bother.” She continued to gaze into his eyes as she spoke, her heart beating as if it were a drum in the annual Lilth Fair Parade. She was amazed that he couldn’t hear it. Suddenly, she felt her knees go weak and she swooned.
Reacting quickly, Frodo took her in his powerful arms and lifted her tiny frame as easily as one might lift a spoonful of mushrooms. So was slim and finely boned and her soft, raven curls cascaded down her back in a way that Frodo found alluring. As she lay motionless in his arms, he dared to steal a kiss, placing his warm lips gently against her soft cheek.
His kiss startled her back to consciousness and their eyes locked. Suddenly she found herself kissing him, kissing him hard and full on the lips and feeling his eager hands as they explored the contours of her body like a hungry hobbit searching the pantry for sweets.
Still holding the beautiful lass in his arms, Frodo walked quickly off the main path and into a copse of trees. Devouring her with his hungry kisses, he managed to place her on a conveniently located bed of pine needles and then drape his muscular frame over her tiny, perfect, body. He knew that he should stop, but he was powerless to keep his hands off her. He ached with desire.
Violet moaned in pleasure as she felt Mr. Baggins’ rough hands beneath her bodice, caressing her milky-white breasts and stimulating her nipples. Amid her joy she cried out, “This is what I have dreamed of all my life and yet I am not worthy of your affection, Mr. Baggins. My family are-”
“Hush, lass,” Frodo urged as he tore open her bodice and ran his nimble fingers down her flat stomach. “I know that your Father was a drunken wastrel who lost the fortunes of numerous fine, families in the Shire and that your brother was a pony thief. I also know that your Mother was a terrible dressmaker and that your Uncle had sex with farm animals, but I care not about your family’s misdeeds. I care not, because I want you. I mean to take you right now, upon this bed of prickly pine needles and I don’t mean to stop until you are screaming with release.”
Violet tossed back her impressive mane of dark curls and squeezed her eyes closed in ecstasy in spite of the wicked prickling of the pine needles. “This is what I have longed for! To be in your arms! Take me, Frodo Baggins! Take me hard and fast and often!”
“I vow with all my richly dressed and well-bred heart to do that very thing!” Frodo declared all the while attempting to rip her clothing from her slim, quavering, body. When the material of her sturdy frock refused to yield to his efforts, Frodo pulled out his knife and sliced her dress from her writhing frame, like an experienced farmer shearing a sheep, thus revealing her naked body to the cool, Shire breeze and to his hungry, lust-filled eyes. As she watched in wonder, he unfastened his finely tailored trousers and released his throbbing, stiffening member. She gasped in amazement. “It’s so huge!”
Frodo smiled wickedly. “Yes, all of the Bagginses have impressive great knobs, even the females. You should have seen the penis on my mum!”
Startled, but not at all put off by this news, Violet spread her legs and invited him into her tunnel of love. Eager to have his way with her, Frodo plunged into her and began to ride her like a wild stallion in a claiming race.
Later, sweat-soaked and exhausted, he rolled off her and collapsed onto his back, wincing as the pine needles attacked him in much the same way he had attacked Violet.
Violet was aglow with the light of pure ecstasy and the joy that only very rough sex with a near strange on the path to town can bring. She slowly raised up one elbow and whispered softly, “My darling, I promise to make you the happiest hobbit in all the Shire. I will satisfy your every need and I will be the perfect wife to you.”
Frodo sat up quickly and looked at her in surprise. “Wife?”
“Well, yes, I thought that-”
“You thought wrong, Miss,” Frodo said surprised by her assumption. “I am hardly the sort to marry the first lass I ravage, with my unbridled passions while on the way to town to purchase some cheese. What sort of lad do you take me for?”
“I thought you were a gentle hobbit. I-I thought you were come to save me from a life of toil and misery and unrequited love!” Violet managed, her breath coming in long, shuddering gasps.
“My word, no! You must have me mistaken for someone else. I just randomly fornicate with willing young lasses until my carnal desires have been satisfied. I don’t intend to marry. That would spoil my chances of planting my seed in the nether regions of my handsome, gardener. Sam will never play hide the sausage with me again if I get married.” He stood and brushed the pine needles from his rippling muscles and began pulling on his finely tailored trousers.
“But what shall I do now? Where shall I go?” Violet wailed, broken hearted and awash with the agony of losing her one, true, obsessive crush to a gardener of all folks!
Frodo smiled sympathetically and looked at her with his luminous, blue eyes and said, “Might I suggest the market? The cheddar cheese today is supposed to be beyond all imaginings.”
GW
03-03-2012
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