"Tree, Spare That Woodman!" by Amy Fortuna

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

B2MeM Challenge: Multi-Age: answers to the Tolkien Sarcasm Page 'LOTR Knowledge Test', specifically question 1 ("Just exactly what was the nature of the friendship between Gimli and Legolas?") and question 10 ("When Legolas introduces Gimli to Treebeard, Gimli bows low and his axe falls to the ground. Treebeard notices this, but merely comments "Hoom! A Dwarf and an axe-bearer!" rather than smash Gimli to Play-Doh™. Doubtless you've heard of the poem, "Woodman, Spare That Tree!"; did Tolkien have plans to write another version, titled "Tree, Spare That Woodman!"?")
Format: Poetry
Genre: Fluff, Comedy, Slash
Rating: PG (for suggestiveness)
Warnings: none - well, okay. Allusions to movieverse (Kili/Tauriel).
Characters: Treebeard, Legolas, Gimli
Pairings: Legolas/Gimli
Creators' Notes (optional): My sincere apologies to George Pope Morris.
Summary: Legolas begs Treebeard to spare 'axe-bearer' Gimli. Because of...reasons.

Treebeard, spare that woodman!
Do not strike him down!
He has been my companion
And I'll protect him now.
Although an axe in hand
He bears, this pretty Dwarf,
I beg you let him stand
And he will prove his worth.

No living trees he hews
But only deathly foes.
On Orcs he does it use
He causes them such woes.
Treebeard, forbear thy stroke!
Cut not my heart in twain.
For since my heart awoke,
I've longed for him in vain.

Long years ago my friend -
She too loved a Dwarf.
I thought her foolish then
But I've followed in her course.
And now at last I see
I begin to understand
Such strength, such victory
In such a small hard hand.

My heart is like a fire
That burns for him alone.
Such a torrent of desire
He could have for his own.
So, tree, spare my heart,
Leave Gimli all to me.
His axe to my equal part -
I'll be his only tree.

Comments

[silver-trails.livejournal.com]

I like this!

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Hee! I like it :)

[blslarner.livejournal.com]

Oh, good grief! Morris must be spinning in his grave! Heh!

(I always found the original rather saccharine for my tastes, so appreciated this one for lampooning it so well.)

[mikononyte.livejournal.com]

Absolutely NOT what I expected.
What did I expect?
HellifIknow!
But not this.
...
...
...
When I finally stop blushing and laughing, I MIGHT come up with something more intelligent to say.
You done slayed me girl!
LOL