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b2memB2MeM Challenge: ’Teleporno the Telerin elf, Shagrat the orc and Groín the dwarf have THE WORST NAMES imaginable. Do they form a support group, or organize an orgy--or does one devolve into the other? Any rating and any scenario that gets these three into the same room (or maybe pen pals would be more canon-compliant?) would be a perfect fill for this.’ - Zopyrus
Format: Ficlet
Genre: Crack
Rating: I’d say Teens, some with less crass sensibilities might say Adults
Warnings: Strong language, intimations of heinous sexual content (nothing “onscreen”). (ETA - beverage warning. Righto.)
Characters: Celeborn, Gróin, Shagrat, OCs
Pairings: n/a
Creators' Notes (optional): I can’t…
Summary: An Elf, a Dwarf, and an Orc commiserate over a failed business deal.
Teleporno, leaning with his hands on the counter and giving the barmaid his best I-am-the-lord-of-an-actual-realm look, repeated more forcefully, “Tell me, where is Salizidûd, for I much desire to speak with him.”
“The only visitors he takes on weekends are performers or clients.”
“But–I demand to be reimbursed.”
“Sorry?” yawned the barmaid, glancing up at the ceiling with mild interest as a muffled shriek of “Look at the size of that thing!” emanated from the room above.
“I traveled all the way here with this Salizidûd character after he told me he had an interesting and profitable proposition for me–”
“So he propositioned you.”
“He told me he had a proposition for me.”
“Mm-hm. And then you found out what it was and didn’t want a thing to do with it, eh.”
“Exactly,” said Teleporno, very much on his dignity, “and now I should like to be reimbursed for the time I spent on the road getting here. I even bought the man his supper that one time, and–”
“Sorry, mate, that’d be your own problem. Maybe you should’ve asked Master Salizidûd what his proposition was before traveling four weeks with him.”
“I think this is illegal,” decided Teleporno.
“This is Rhudaur, mate, what can you do?” shrugged the barmaid. “Best I can do is give you a pint on the house, and then you and your constipated-sounding voice need to hit the road.”
“Me and my–the nerve!” fumed Teleporno, but so rarely in Middle-earth had he been faced with such a lack of reverence that he simply did not know how to deal with it. He sputtered helplessly, then grabbed the tankard and stalked over to a table by the hearth. “May I sit here,” he stated to the other occupant, sitting.
The Dwarf at the table looked up with a glower. “Actually, if that was supposed to be a question, I didn’t answer in the aff–”
“I cannot believe it,” Teleporno announced. “The nerve of that Salizidûd character!”
“You too?” The Dwarf forgot his rancor, saying with feeling in the singular solidarity of the mutually offended, “Perfectly heinous fellow, that one. Convinced me to let my family go on ahead of me to visit Erebor while I stayed here to help out with his very profitable business for a time, and then–well. My condolences.” He shuddered, then added more cheerfully, “Gróin, at your service.” He paused and clarified, “Not that sort of service.”
Teleporno and Gróin both took long draughts of their ale.
In the room above, laughter and jeering arose, punctuated by an indignant snarl of, “Aw no, that ain’t right! Now you’ve gone too far!” There came a scramble, the sound of chairs being knocked over, a slamming door, and running feet clunking down the stairs.
A wild-eyed shirtless Orc burst in, clutching his wrinkled garment to his chest, and made a beeline for the table by the hearth. “Bloody hell, have you maggots seen what they do up there? I mean, an Orc’s gotta have his standards, right, and I ain’t having no part o’ this.” He sat between the Elf and the Dwarf with a huff, helping himself to one of the tankards. “Sure you lads won’t mind if I have a bit to drink. Name’s Shagrat.”
“A pleasure. By which I mean, a completely innocent and mundane pleasure. I am Teleporno.”
“Gróin-at-your-service-but-not-in-that-way.”
The odd trio sat in companionable silence, united in their contempt for Master Salizidûd.
From the room above, a dinnerbell sounded, followed by a few wolf whistles, the scrape of chairs being moved, and a bellow of “By all the gods!”
Teleporno blanched. “To think that character wished for me to go into that room. Do you know what happened?” He waved his tankard about for emphasis as his woeful narrative unfolded. “So he says to me: ‘Do you like blondes?’ and naturally I am like: ‘I sure do.’ And then he goes: ‘How would you like to go into this room, crawl around on a table and act like a dog while a bunch of blondes take shepherd’s pie and–’ Well, you see that it would simply not behoove my lordliness to go on, but you get the idea, I am sure.”
“Funny,” said Gróin, “earlier today he was asking me if I’d be amenable to wearing a blond wig and doing unheard-of things with pies.”
“You don’t even wanna know what he just now wanted me to do,” said Shagrat. He paused. “But don’t worry, I saved the poor little blighter.” A small, pointy snout, whiskers quivering, poked out of the wrinkled bundle of his shirt. “D’aww,” said Shagrat. “I named him Khamûl Jr. Don’t you go telling Big Khamûl that, though, or I’ll gut ya. Here, Khamûl Jr, I bet you want some ale!”
“Another thing Salizidûd told me,” resumed the Elf as the Orc tried dotingly to pour some ale into the rodent’s mouth, “was that he thought I was perfect for his business because I had something very special.”
“He told me the same,” said the Dwarf.
“And me,” said the Orc. “So what do you lads think it is that we all have in common? I mean, not much, so far’s what I can tell.”
Teleporno, Gróin, and Shagrat considered this. The mystery was beyond the power of their combined intellects to crack. They shrugged and ordered another round.
Format: Ficlet
Genre: Crack
Rating: I’d say Teens, some with less crass sensibilities might say Adults
Warnings: Strong language, intimations of heinous sexual content (nothing “onscreen”). (ETA - beverage warning. Righto.)
Characters: Celeborn, Gróin, Shagrat, OCs
Pairings: n/a
Creators' Notes (optional): I can’t…
Summary: An Elf, a Dwarf, and an Orc commiserate over a failed business deal.
Teleporno, leaning with his hands on the counter and giving the barmaid his best I-am-the-lord-of-an-actual-realm look, repeated more forcefully, “Tell me, where is Salizidûd, for I much desire to speak with him.”
The barmaid was distressingly unimpressed. She also seemed to be somehow in league with the inn’s long-term guest, one Master Salizidûd. She yawned, fiddled with a dishtowel, and said, “Master Salizidûd is currently very busy in his room and not receiving visitors.”
Directly above them, shuffling feet were heard, followed by the crack of a whip, something that sounded suspiciously like a parrot reciting the Sindarin alphabet, and a few hoots and cheers. “Actually, it sounds like he has quite a few visitors at this very moment,” observed Teleporno.
“The only visitors he takes on weekends are performers or clients.”
“But–I demand to be reimbursed.”
“Sorry?” yawned the barmaid, glancing up at the ceiling with mild interest as a muffled shriek of “Look at the size of that thing!” emanated from the room above.
“I traveled all the way here with this Salizidûd character after he told me he had an interesting and profitable proposition for me–”
“So he propositioned you.”
“He told me he had a proposition for me.”
“Mm-hm. And then you found out what it was and didn’t want a thing to do with it, eh.”
“Exactly,” said Teleporno, very much on his dignity, “and now I should like to be reimbursed for the time I spent on the road getting here. I even bought the man his supper that one time, and–”
“Sorry, mate, that’d be your own problem. Maybe you should’ve asked Master Salizidûd what his proposition was before traveling four weeks with him.”
“I think this is illegal,” decided Teleporno.
“This is Rhudaur, mate, what can you do?” shrugged the barmaid. “Best I can do is give you a pint on the house, and then you and your constipated-sounding voice need to hit the road.”
“Me and my–the nerve!” fumed Teleporno, but so rarely in Middle-earth had he been faced with such a lack of reverence that he simply did not know how to deal with it. He sputtered helplessly, then grabbed the tankard and stalked over to a table by the hearth. “May I sit here,” he stated to the other occupant, sitting.
The Dwarf at the table looked up with a glower. “Actually, if that was supposed to be a question, I didn’t answer in the aff–”
“I cannot believe it,” Teleporno announced. “The nerve of that Salizidûd character!”
“You too?” The Dwarf forgot his rancor, saying with feeling in the singular solidarity of the mutually offended, “Perfectly heinous fellow, that one. Convinced me to let my family go on ahead of me to visit Erebor while I stayed here to help out with his very profitable business for a time, and then–well. My condolences.” He shuddered, then added more cheerfully, “Gróin, at your service.” He paused and clarified, “Not that sort of service.”
Teleporno and Gróin both took long draughts of their ale.
In the room above, laughter and jeering arose, punctuated by an indignant snarl of, “Aw no, that ain’t right! Now you’ve gone too far!” There came a scramble, the sound of chairs being knocked over, a slamming door, and running feet clunking down the stairs.
A wild-eyed shirtless Orc burst in, clutching his wrinkled garment to his chest, and made a beeline for the table by the hearth. “Bloody hell, have you maggots seen what they do up there? I mean, an Orc’s gotta have his standards, right, and I ain’t having no part o’ this.” He sat between the Elf and the Dwarf with a huff, helping himself to one of the tankards. “Sure you lads won’t mind if I have a bit to drink. Name’s Shagrat.”
“A pleasure. By which I mean, a completely innocent and mundane pleasure. I am Teleporno.”
“Gróin-at-your-service-but-not-in-that-way.”
The odd trio sat in companionable silence, united in their contempt for Master Salizidûd.
From the room above, a dinnerbell sounded, followed by a few wolf whistles, the scrape of chairs being moved, and a bellow of “By all the gods!”
Teleporno blanched. “To think that character wished for me to go into that room. Do you know what happened?” He waved his tankard about for emphasis as his woeful narrative unfolded. “So he says to me: ‘Do you like blondes?’ and naturally I am like: ‘I sure do.’ And then he goes: ‘How would you like to go into this room, crawl around on a table and act like a dog while a bunch of blondes take shepherd’s pie and–’ Well, you see that it would simply not behoove my lordliness to go on, but you get the idea, I am sure.”
“Funny,” said Gróin, “earlier today he was asking me if I’d be amenable to wearing a blond wig and doing unheard-of things with pies.”
“You don’t even wanna know what he just now wanted me to do,” said Shagrat. He paused. “But don’t worry, I saved the poor little blighter.” A small, pointy snout, whiskers quivering, poked out of the wrinkled bundle of his shirt. “D’aww,” said Shagrat. “I named him Khamûl Jr. Don’t you go telling Big Khamûl that, though, or I’ll gut ya. Here, Khamûl Jr, I bet you want some ale!”
“Another thing Salizidûd told me,” resumed the Elf as the Orc tried dotingly to pour some ale into the rodent’s mouth, “was that he thought I was perfect for his business because I had something very special.”
“He told me the same,” said the Dwarf.
“And me,” said the Orc. “So what do you lads think it is that we all have in common? I mean, not much, so far’s what I can tell.”
Teleporno, Gróin, and Shagrat considered this. The mystery was beyond the power of their combined intellects to crack. They shrugged and ordered another round.
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Date: 2015-03-01 09:53 pm (UTC)- Erulisse (one L)
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Date: 2015-03-02 02:11 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 10:02 pm (UTC)(And I really don't expect a farthing for that comment... ;P )
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Date: 2015-03-01 10:32 pm (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2015-03-01 10:16 pm (UTC)This provoked more than a few LOLs. My favorites: "his best I-am-the-lord-of-an-actual-realm look, "Gróin-at-your-service-but-not-in-that-way," and "The mystery was beyond the power of their combined intellects to crack." This was great, and I'm really glad someone claimed that prompt! :D
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Date: 2015-03-02 02:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 10:20 pm (UTC)It may need an additional warning about food consumption while reading...
I'm not sure whether Master Shagrat is the best person to take care of an impressionable young rat for any length of time, although I do honour his good intentions!
"Do you like blonds?"
He sure does, our Teler, but maybe he should have distrusted that plural a bit more...
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Date: 2015-03-02 02:16 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2015-03-01 10:22 pm (UTC)This is brilliant! I knew that prompt was beyond me but I was hoping someone would do something with it, and you've done it proud!
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Date: 2015-03-02 02:16 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 10:24 pm (UTC)“Gróin, at your service.” He paused and clarified, “Not that sort of service.”
*giggles madly*
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Date: 2015-03-02 02:17 am (UTC)(I assume you're the creator of this icon BTW? I'm very fond of it.)
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From:no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 10:26 pm (UTC)I'm embarrassed to admit how much this story made me laugh.
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Date: 2015-03-02 02:18 am (UTC)Oh good lord, it doesn't allow diacritic marks in tags, does it? Hahaha.
Yes. Yes I am.
Thanks for reading (and tagging)!
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Date: 2015-03-01 10:29 pm (UTC)*“Gróin-at-your-service-but-not-in-that-way.”^ LOL!!!! And aww, that poor rat.
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Date: 2015-03-02 02:20 am (UTC)Thanks for reading, Keiliss!
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Date: 2015-03-01 10:38 pm (UTC)I'd be cutting and pasting half of this text if I wanted to underline what I liked best.
To chose two lines, it would be these:
“A pleasure. By which I mean, a completely innocent and mundane pleasure. I am Teleporno.”
“Gróin-at-your-service-but-not-in-that-way.”
Thanks so much for sharing this. I'm using my very best Celeborn, I mean Teleporno icon for this.
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Date: 2015-03-02 02:21 am (UTC)Hrmm, now I'm picturing your icon in the story, pretty much with that expression...
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Date: 2015-03-01 11:02 pm (UTC)wahahahahahahahaaaaaa
*falls under table rolling and clutching helplessly at chest*
And Shagrat and Khamul Jr!
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Date: 2015-03-02 02:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 11:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 02:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-01 11:24 pm (UTC)I love that none of them can figure out what they would POSSIBLY have in common, aside by being bilked by the mysterious Master Salizidûd!
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Date: 2015-03-02 02:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2015-03-02 01:23 am (UTC)THIS SHOULD BE A PODFIC!
ETA: Khamûl Jr. AH HAHAHAHAHA!
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Date: 2015-03-02 01:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2015-03-02 01:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 02:26 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 01:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 02:27 am (UTC)I've never had a thing podficced before. This WOULD be the first thing people ask to do it for, LOL.
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Date: 2015-03-02 03:20 am (UTC)SLEAZY DUDE. AT YOUR SERVICE BUT NOT IN THAT WAY. THE RAT.
...I will turn off the all caps now but this was hilarious and also....pitch perfect in the way you managed to capture all their voices in dialogue??? Like, Shagrat sounded like himself and Groin sounded just like a Hobbit Dwarf. And I loved the way Celeborn switched from stilted and formal to "I sure do!" (HE SURE DOES.)
I love everyone in this bar.
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Date: 2015-03-02 04:46 am (UTC)Bingo! I had fun with that one.
Thanks so much for posting this prompt, I had a ball writing it! =D Also, thank you for noticing the dialogue. Dialogue is my favorite thing about writing.
And I loved the way Celeborn switched from stilted and formal to "I sure do!"
Yes, that was very intentional, as well as the "and I am like" that preceded it.
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Date: 2015-03-02 03:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 04:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 04:54 am (UTC)This was really funny :D I was already cracking up when you had the echo of the "tell me where is Gandalf" line. Wonderful!
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Date: 2015-03-02 04:41 pm (UTC)I'm not sure if the rat will benefit from Shagrat's generosity, as well as he apparently means.
I mean, Shagrat, don't come crying to me if it expires from alcohol poisoning.Thanks for reading! =)
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Date: 2015-03-02 07:14 am (UTC)So because I can't remember what I said earlier, just...oh, holy sweet Valar. *snickers* The poor lot of them...there REALLY should be a no eating or drinking while reading warning on this. REALLY. Because I'm pretty sure I snorted Dr Pepper up my nose while reading this during lunch. VERY uncomfortable. Really.
Love the rat. Khamul Jr.! Hehehe! I wonder what THE Khamul will make of that...
And now there is a character tag for Groin! Oh my...*snickers again*
Hehehe!
Kaylee Arafinwiel
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Date: 2015-03-02 04:43 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed! Somehow I doubt Original Khamûl would be very thrilled to have a rat named after him...
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Date: 2015-03-02 08:05 am (UTC)This is brilliant :D I can't stop giggling. Thank you :D
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Date: 2015-03-02 04:44 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-02 08:36 pm (UTC)Nice job!
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Date: 2015-03-02 11:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-03 12:59 am (UTC)Also: LOL.
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Date: 2015-03-03 06:10 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-03 06:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-03 07:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2015-03-04 01:10 pm (UTC)Though I think the linguistic humor about their names and their impossibility to figure things out got me most of all. Though I confess that the Mysterious Mr. Sleazy Dude (my inital thought process was something like "... that doesn't look like Westr... oh, wait") is making me wonder how he wanted to put Celeborn's name to use... he wouldn't happen to have a Palantír at his disposal?
This was fantastic, Huin. *still giggling*
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Date: 2015-03-05 03:24 am (UTC)You would catch that! =D I was originally going to try for a Westronesque name, but then it would've been too close to "Saruman" for my taste (my version of Saruman would totally throw up in his mouth even thinking about whatever shenanigans Salizidûd is getting up to), so I tried for Adûnaicesque (Adûnaesque?) instead. Maybe Salizidûd is a descendant of the Black Númenoreans? X)
Thanks for reading! Hope you get over your cold soon.
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Date: 2015-03-05 12:30 pm (UTC)I broke something. I think I broke something. This was absolutely hilarious. Shagrat going “D’aww,” was...something else. Never expected to see that. Over a rat, too. (Poor rat, though)
Still choking on "the Orc tried dotingly to pour some ale into the rodent’s mouth,"
Also, "The mystery was beyond the power of their combined intellects to crack."
*off to apologize to the neighbors for unholy shrieks and snorts*
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Date: 2015-03-05 06:21 pm (UTC)