Book Blurbs – Noldor

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

B2MeM Prompt and Path: minimalist (blue path: artwork)
Format: digital art, with written copy (book reviews under the cut)
Genre: AU, humor
Rating: Gen
Warnings: no warnings apply
Characters: Maglor, Finarfin, Indis, and Finwë
Pairings: none so far
Creator’s Notes (optional): Chapter 4 – Noldor - Tea & Books Tirion’s largest bookseller is unable to meet demand for sensational new novel. Some call it slander, some call it art, and still others claim that under the sensationalism lies a blatantly political bias.
Summary:
These blurbs are written by a reader who is on the mailing lists of far too many publishing companies. Why not use some of the dozens of prompts of yet another annual B2MeM to design covers or ads, write ad copy, review, or draft summaries of books I would not be likely to write?

Noldor – book news


Bestseller Noldor contains incontinent alcoholics, sadistic brutes, depressive whiners, sex addicts, and greedy sociopaths. Some call it slander, some call it art, and still others claim that under the sensationalism lies a blatantly political bias. Not surprisingly, a few families most harshly dealt with in the book tried to halt publication. “It’s too much,” said Arafinwë Finwëan. “Most of it is not even true.” Tirion Herald Tribune.

Accordingly to a spokesman of the District Court of the Western District of Valinor, the book has already generated a plethora of lawsuits. “The publishers of Noldor were warned by the concerned parties, but ploughed on regardless. When novelists base their characters on real people, trouble tends to follow. However, this kind of case rarely makes it to court.” The Jurist.

Intercepted at the stage door of another sellout performance of his new rock opera and asked about the new book sensation Noldor, Macalaurë Fëanárion responded, “You know what they say! For an artist, any publicity is good publicity.” Indie Music News.

She's wise and glamorous and doesn't have time for trashy novels filled with gratuitous sex scenes and gossip. Queen Indis professed to be unworried by the sales of Noldor. “This will all blow over in time. These things always do.” Profiles in Style.

King Finwë seemed unruffled today by questions about the novel Noldor. “It is only a novel, which means it is intended as fiction. And the writer is not willing to acknowledge authorship. I have far more important things to worry about, like the critical issues in education today which we called this press conference to discuss.” Valinor News Today.

Comments

[shirebound]

“This will all blow over in time. These things always do.”

Very true! This is a hoot. Can I get a subscription to Valinor News Today?

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Shirebound!

No subscriptions available at the moment. But, who knows, there could be more excerpts from articles before I am done with these.

[ysilme]

I want one, too! XD

[hhimring]

These are all great fun, Oshun!
I really like those quotations from the different publications here.
And the cover looks so nicely demure for something that racy!

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked the cover! I got a kick out of it too! (If I were to re-do, I would make the helmet even smaller.) The raciest books I ever read had innocuous covers, yet only 20 years ago or so the most lurid bodice-ripper covers were barely PG by today's standards.

This is such cheap fun for me! Nothing like writing the stuff I sweat over!

[kayleelupin.livejournal.com]

Where can we subscribe to these publications? :D And I'm not sure I'd want to read this book! *lol* But it does sound fascinating to read ABOUT! :D :D :D

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

Same here. Not likely to read the book (well, I certainly would not pay for it), but reading the articles might be fun.

Thanks for commenting!

[sashahoneypalm.livejournal.com]

And here I'd assumed that the book *was* the Silmarillion.

[bunn.livejournal.com]

“Most of it is not even true.”

REVEALING!!!

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

Finarfin needs a press secretary!

Thanks!

[dreamflower]

I'm sorry, the first I thought when I saw the above quote was "FAKE NEWS"! ;-)

[samtyr.livejournal.com]

I love it already -- any chance for a gift drawing? :)

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

A gift drawing? Make a proposal.

[lindahoyland.livejournal.com]

Love it.

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Linda!

[just-jenni.livejournal.com]

Hilarious! All of these are brilliant but I love this one most of all!

I couldn't help wondering - is there a Trump in the Silmarillion? If so, who is it do you think? (I suppose Sauron would be the most likely answer although I think he was based on Hitler, no?)

[keiliss.livejournal.com]

Turgon? Banished outsiders, kept his people safe... *darts back under rock*

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

Oh, ouch! Can't stop laughing.

[just-jenni.livejournal.com]

Oooh...OK maybe. My Turgon has always been a bit of a cuddly bunny but a more accurate portrayal could give him some Trump characteristics, sure. ;P

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Sauron wasn't based on anyone, although there may be a heavy case of Applicability. ;)

On a small scale, Eöl with his blatant xenophobia, egotism and, um, respect for women might count? Otherwise, I'd say Ar-Pharazôn, but I've already cast Dubya in that role a couple of years back so the spot's occupied... *headscratch*

[just-jenni.livejournal.com]

If there are still people around who think LOTR was an allegory about WWII and its effect on the British people then Sauron was certainly Hitler-like and since Trump has been accused of having Hitler-ish policies...it does make sense.

Actually I was thinking Al-Pharazon but there might be a better candidate I've overlooked. ;P

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Yes, but that WWII allegory theory has been contradicted so thoroughly that I'm not taking it into account. ^^
(And I expect Sauron would have more of a masterplan instead of more or less making stuff up as he goes along, but of course that's just one interpretation. Personally, I think even Ar-Pharazôn had an actual agenda beyond his own personal vanity. I can't actually think of any character who is that much of a wild card! ;))

[just-jenni.livejournal.com]

It might actually be difficult to find a character in Tolkien's writings that fits a 21st Century type like Trump. Unless you take one aspect of Trump's character, i.e. Trump = self-serving and apply it to someone like Thorin Oakenshield or perhaps Maeglin. It's a sad statement to make that it's probably difficult to find a 21st Century 'real' person who could fit any of Tolkien's heroic characters. Sad sign of the times.

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

The truly shocking thing is that even the villains don't really fit! O.ó

[keiliss.livejournal.com]

“Most of it is not even true.” LMAO!

Highly suspect cover :D Kind of book I'd hope to run into in the library rather than buying it (Do you think they have libraries over there?)

Anyone I can think of who could write this properly is no longer in the fandom. Very sad. It should exist.

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

So glad you got a kick out of it.

I wish I could write it. But to work really well, it would have to be long and very dense in spurious detail.

[dreamflower]

I've been getting a kick out of these, but this is the first I've had the chance to review. It's hilarious, and absolutely delightfully wicked.

I think Steven Colbert would love it!

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

Thanks for taking a look at these, Dreamflower. It has been a lot of fun playing around with them. Glad to get a laugh!

[oloriel.livejournal.com]

Ahahah, brilliant idea! I love the innocuous book cover and the promise of scandal. It's so believable.

On a more serious note, I do like both Indis' and Finwë's reactions. Wise people! Maglor also knows not to take things too seriously, clearly.

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much. It was fun writing the scandalous insinuations in particular. I agree with you that India and Finwë come off looking fairly sensible amidst all the "alternate facts" supposedly being served up in the book!

[foxrafer.livejournal.com]

The quotes about the book are fabulous. And the cover, once again, is so well done.

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

Awww, thank you! I am thrilled you are enjoying these. They really are entertaining to do--I make myself laugh!

[starbrow.livejournal.com]

Haha, this is hilarious! Arafinwë's blatantly naive "most of it is not even true" is just fodder for speculation! The others are more circumspect, but I love Maglor's response!

[ysilme]

This is absolutely brilliant!

[curiouswombat.livejournal.com]

Oh I love the reviews so much! These posts of yours are making me so happy you cannot believe!

[independence1776]

I love the reviews!

[nialoke]

Oh dear, I love the cover for this one - so typical, the most scandalous books often look so deceptively inncocent! I also love everyone's comments, especially Maglor's and Finarfin's (poor dear, you're just making it worse XD).
Also I wonder who wrote this now. My guess is a reading group of bored Vanyar who just want to have some fun for once, too ;)

[heartofoshun.livejournal.com]

Thanks so much for reading and commenting! Glad you enjoyed it.

My guess is a reading group of bored Vanyar who just want to have some fun for once, too ;)

I love that idea.